Monday, August 28, 2006


Anticipation is a subtle poison, robbing the pleasures of each moment and replacing them with a future horizon that is forever over a hill. Such has been this week. Having decided that going back to Retail was the best way for me to earn better money. Working where my strengths and confidence is readily used. I had an interview for a Manager’s job with Rington’s in a new shop they’re setting up. The Interview went well and I felt I presented and acquitted myself the best that I could. I felt relaxed and confident. I certainly had the sense I had left a favourable impression on the woman who interviewed me. She had other people to interview this week so wouldn’t be able to ring me till Thursday of this week.

I haven’t slept well all week. Anxiety and anticipation have circled around in my consciousness, leaving me unsettled.and tired. The prospect of change, of moving forward lifted my spirits at work and made things seem bearable. Sometimes as soon as someone speaks you know it’s not good what they’re going to tell you. So when I heard her voice I knew I hadn’t got the job. She really liked my personality but unfortunately…. Crestfallen ,yes, I was crestfallen, and I’d kept telling myself not to build up an expectation all week. However, they had built up regardless. I so want to get out of the financial tightrope I’m currently walking on. So my desires felt frustrated, I was negative and pissed off for twenty four morose hours. I went internet surfing for jobs the next morning, slightly desperate, yet at the same time disinterested in everything I came across. Not a particularly good mental space to be looking for work in. Unsurprisingly I didn’t find much I could realistically apply for.

Since then, David has returned from retreat, so I’m no longer on my own in the flat. It was such a pleasure and delight to see him back. I do have a tendency, if I have no one to talk to, to get into melancholic states. I need interaction and connection to help create perspective and positivity. So I’m in a better state of mind now. If the worst comes to the worst I could take up the Crematoriums offer of working full time to sort out my financial predicament. If that offer is still a live prospect. What I do longer term is up in the air. Any other plans I have will have to wait till this immediate difficulty has been sorted.

This isn’t easy as I’ve often had to wait or defer resolutions. Things get shelved till the circumstances change. They either don’t transpire or arrive too late. By which time my patience and resolve are exasperated from my ideas weighing too heavy upon my soul.

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