Saturday, March 01, 2008

DIARY 55 - Blowing raspberries across the wasteland

It's early in the morning ( 4.30pm ), I'm barely conscious yet, but a growing headache has made me get out of bed. Outside gale force winds are rattling the sash windows like angry ghosts wanting to gain entry. This is creating an overall unsettling atmosphere, inside and outside. I want to feel more light hearted and easy going about stuff, but there are angry ghosts rattling at my windows too. So, I've got up. I'm listening to a new CD by Vampire Weekend, which arrived on Friday, its ebullient energy is lifting my spirits. I'm thinking, as I write, I really must not write another blog entry entirely filled with my trials and tribulations. 'Come on Vidyavajra snap out of this !!!'

For the last month David & I have been making a real effort to meditate regularly, usually first thing in the morning. We've achieved this most days in February - Hurrah!!. The fact that its been an emotionally turbulent month is totally unconnected of course - oh! sarcasm, how easily it creeps in by the back door, let's reassert the positive shall we! - I think the discipline alone is helping both of us, after quite a long period of erratic or no practice whatsoever - that's true! It's not of a substantial length yet - hey! lets give ourselves a break here. This week, I've tried to get my leave and that of the Team at work sorted out. Money permitting, I'm intending on doing two retreats at Padmaloka, in Norfolk, which is one more than last year. That is a positive 100% improvement on 2007! - so you have achieved something during this dreadful week then? So I am doing my bit to create the supportive conditions, if it doesn't work then I'm going to be a bit buggered aren't I? A bit of an aggresive despairing tone there, careful!

Apart from writing on the blog I've not touched any other sort of writing. I've just lost impetus and interest, work is just drawing too much out of me. I feel creatively drained, so I'll have to be patient - so you're feeling a bit crap about this, turns into - this doesn't appear to be the moment where I can get the work/life balance right - sounds a bit like a rationalisation to me -I need to go with the grain of this moment rather than frustratedly push against it ( my usual response) - Hmm, a bit better, but could be just self-denial mascarading as spiritual practice - There is , however, a part of me thinks that this might be a good practice for me, just to be happy relaxing, doing nothing, and give up the anxiety driven creativity for a while - Yeh, you do a lot of that,( note ironic tone) sounds like an ideal of how you'd like to experiencve it, rather than how it actually is -There is something in this manner which can lead me away from the 'stillness, simplicity and contentment' I've so long aspired to - go on torment yourself further will you, still not achieved this yet, eh?-Though I can't escape a certain barren feeling internally, of a country devastated by the constant barrage of an enemy. Whoever that enemy is? Woops! truthful, but getting a bit morbid there, let's avert our attention and hope the crap will go away. Blow raspberries at it, instead of kisses.

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