Saturday, March 08, 2008

DIARY 55 - Other People's Storms

The week started off positively, I felt I finally had the personal space and resources to access, and be quietly creative. For the first time I felt on top of the situation at work. I had a number of very useful and productive meetings. It was good to feel this, though it was to be only a brief sensation. I hope it is a sign that I am making personal progress with handling things better. However, by the time I got home on Wednesday evening I was feeling totally exhausted , my eye balls ached, felt tender and sensitive, as if I'd been forced to stare intensively at one spot all day. The same feeling returned even stronger by the end of Thursday too. This may,on a practical level, have been simply the result of too much close and detailed computer work. I went to bed on Wednesday night before nine o'clock and slept through til six the next morning, which is quite a rare occurrence for me. It was also the night I had the dream recounted below.

David has been away for part of this week in Walsall, he has been helping set up the computer system in a new shop that windhorse:evolution is opening there. Whilst this means I get some time. and all the bed, to myself, I do I miss him not being around, it's like one of the stabilisers that keeps me upright has been removed. After three years of living together, perhaps this aspect of our relationship can become a bit invisible to me, until he goes away. This week we've begun looking more seriously for a bigger place to live, deciding how much more we think we can pay, and getting some idea what is available. There seems to be a fair amount available in our price bracket at the present moment. The next step will be pro-actively going to see some properties. Our experience last time was we needed to respond pretty promptly, as good properties disapeared off the market very quickly.

Today, ( Saturday 8th March ) I've felt quite internally upset and irritable, in part a response to an really uncomfortable nights sleep. However, I think it goes a bit beyond that, to a general sense of unease with my current state, the way I inhabit my being. I appear to be being constantly buffeted by 'other peoples storms.' Other people's psychological tornados, whirling and tearing around, and through, my experience, unsettling my often precarious equilibrium. It can all leave me drained of energy, inspiration and vitality. I appear not to know how to defend myself from being affected by this in such a pronounced and unhelpful way. My external circumstances do seem to be having an undue strong emotional influence upon me. I do care about the struggles and difficulties that my team members are going through, but their well being is becoming far too closely aligned with my own. My resilience seems weaker than normal, and so easily collapses these days. All my creativity goes into staying a positive and stabilising presence, whilst all those around me have their seemingly daily or weekly wobbly. Personal initiative deserts me by the weekend. I spend most of it in recovery, recharging my batteries up for the next week to use up. But, I am allowing myself to be psychically sucked dry to a dessicated husk, week on week. This cannot be a healthy state of affairs. I have my limits, and I'm currently pretty near them a good deal of the time.

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