Sunday, August 17, 2008

DIARY 70 - Becalmed waters are dead boring

As I enter my second week without ' The beloved', I am becoming reacquainted with a few of my tendencies, which emerge once I am left to my own devices. First, I eat less substantial meals at home. David is de facto the main chef in our household, he loves cooking. I can cook well when I've a pressing motive for doing so, if a friend is coming round for instance, but generally I'm an appreciative, but often passive, food consumer. Paco came round on Thursday for an evenings study, so I pushed the boat out a bit, making a delicious Apple & Blackberry Crumble, served with organic yogurt. Second, I watch tons more stuff on i-Player, listen to the radio, or view DVD's. When I lived on my own before, I found myself listening to the radio all day, it gave me then a sense of someone else being in the room apart from me and my wayward thoughts. Third, I find those thoughts sometimes drift into self-preoccupied spirals, often with a downward emphasis, which David, when he's here, usually catches and prevents me from falling all the way. If David gets invited on next years Ordination Course, spending four months on my own, I dare not imagine what that's going to be like. Forth, this week I've found it particularly difficult to engage with personal projects, such as writing, or the model of the Cutty Sark, or doing some preliminary preparing for my Study Day in a months time. Fifth, I do get a bit sexually uptight and broody, which I suppose is understandable. Sixth, well, I guess I've just felt a little alone with things.

Work was actually reasonable OK, this week. Apart from Monday,the workload for the two of us was manageable, still, I wouldn't want a repeat of it too soon. By the middle of the week I was feeling increasingly weary at night, and waking fed up and bored before I'd even got to work. I had arranged a few too many meetings up with friends, so my lunchtime or evening period of recuperating was blown on a number of occasions this week. I guess this was somewhat exacerbated by not having a full weekend to myself last week. I'm not a naturally extrovert or social person, I value and get a lot from it, but, as an introvert, it is an effort. If I don't get sufficient time to myself, I just can't give that much of myself to others. This has definitely been made worse by the nature of my current work, where I am constantly in a receptive/responsive mode. It can make even meeting up with a good friend feel like more of the same. My batteries got a bit depleted, so I apologise to my friends I was a little low key with them this week.

The nautical theme took a further stride this week. At work I turned an incomplete windchime stand into a rudimentary mast, fixed up some rigging and flags, and made a Buddha rupa into it's figurehead. I don't think everyone at work quite clicks why I'm doing this. To be honest, even Iam only following up on a hunch. I suppose it's something in the area of trying to change my approach or perception of me in relation to my work,making it lighter and more fun. Whether this works, or it just turns out to be empty window dressing, only time will tell.

Early signs are not good, by Friday, I was going stir crazy inside.

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