The Customer Services Team is small, with only the four of us even a small change can have a greater impact than one expects. So, I guess how I am doing must have a knock on effect on the others. This week one member of staff departed on holiday, and another returned from a month long retreat. With these coming and goings the cohesion of the team re-fractures, and everyone re-adjusts there position. It feels like a bone repeatedly being broken and re-set. For myself, I feel like I'm constantly in the position of covering for someone whose not here, for one reason or another. Actual managerial time to plan or prepare is largely absent, I decided when talking this through with Personnel that I cannot carry on like this. So, I've informed the team this week I'm taking a regular 1-2 hrs every morning away from my desk and the standard C/S responsibilities. Lets see how this goes.
Within myself it's turmoil as usual, nothing has essentially shifted, bar the general level of irritability increasing. I'd had enough by Friday afternoon, walking away from my desk in a very angry fume to calm down. I went upstairs, not quite knowing what I was looking for. I entered the shrine room, pulled out a few meditation cushions and stared disconsolately at the Buddha for about forty minutes. What I was expecting? - inspiration? - insight? - or maybe a calming resolution - or just a simple decision. Unfortunately nothing of the kind was forthcoming. All I experienced was the repeated mental churning over of the milk of human unkindness. I realised I wasn't capable at that moment to rise above this state. So I left work early and came home.
The cutting edge of this state has softened over the weekend. However, the primary dilemma remains, how do I move forward? Do I steer a new course or abandon ship? After the emotional battering of each week, I have to acknowledge that, for the sake of my own welfare, handing in my notice and abandoning ship is becoming the one option still left standing. This choice, were I to take it, would have an unsettling consequence both for me and for David, particularly in the run up to his ordination course. This, and how my leaving would affect the morale of the team I'd leave behind, and what meagre employment options I have, are giving me pause for further thought. But for how much longer?