Saturday, February 28, 2009

DIARY 97 - There will be a brief pause.........

Many things have moved on since my last posting. With a bit of persistence from me, wanting the deposit issue resolved ASAP, the letting agent and I agreed on a final deduction amount. Come Monday 2nd March the balance will at last be resting in our joint account. Hurrah!!! Once the Council Tax rebate arrives, that will, over a month later, bring to an end the post move financial reimbursements. I'm looking forward to that fleeting momentary feeling of freedom and elation. At that point I can finally pay off my wretched bank loan. What a relief it will be to be debt free.

The decision I made last week, was to stand down as Customer Services Manager. Having talked to the various folks mentioned last week, and told my team, I still feel it was the right decision. I realise that this is a brave move for me to take at my age, and at this point in an economic downtown. But there seemed no point in delaying it further. There have always been sensible practical reasons for sticking with the situation, irrespective of how I personally felt about it. The emotional cost on me was, however, unsustainable. I can bask for a little while in the wake of this decision, and be vague or imprecise about the exact nature of my future prospects, However, what the possible options are, is becoming ever clearer. I'll stay on as Manager until my replacement is found, either from within the team, or outside it. Depending on that outcome, I may stay on as an ordinary member of the team for a little while (not sure how this will actually sit with me,the new manager, or the rest of the team). I could move on to another, as yet unspecified team (in the current climate not that many options- most likely returning to pick orders in the warehouse. This raises the concern of how I could sustain this, considering the persistence of my back problem) I could leave windhorse for the dole, or who knows what, (I could be doing this anyway in a years time, should the business not survive) Or move on to another as yet unexplored option, (that's the vague imprecise bit). Whatever the final choice, the transition may well be a slowish one, gradually emerging as one or other of these options is ruled out, or in.

The release of physical tension once the decision was taken, was instantaneous. This had been long overdue. It hasn't stopped me experiencing bouts of anxiety since then, about the unspecified nature of my future. I've noticed that this manifests itself in quite a different manner to the previous anxious tension. That was quite noticeably tight across the chest area, whereas the anxiety about my future prospects is more at the base of the stomach, at a gut level. At the moment I'm trying to balance personal feelings and personality, with practical needs. It's never something I find easy to maintain, something tragically gets left out of the mix, and acts up later. Every choice though initially a release, also unbalances,destabilises, and this can provoke extreme levels of insecurity. But as Sangharakshita once advised, you should not leave too many options open, for too long. This would only stimulate a loss of confidence, resolve and momentum. For myself, at some point, anxiety about practical matters can cause an eruption of panic, a grasping for security, usually for financial, rather than emotional security.

Letting go of the strain I've been accommodating has had one consequence, I came down with a cold or virus. I felt a bit nauseous Thursday night. On Friday morning I awoke with the familiar sensations I experience when I'm coming down with something - my brain feels numb, my eyes become tender and I sense them as being swollen and difficult to focus. My whole bodily energy was on full alert, trying to repel whatever it was I was coming down with. I felt quite drained, and took the day off work. Two days later these initial symptoms have eased and as yet, I'm only mildly congested. I did not succumb to any bouts of 'Man Flu' I'll have you know.

David is now on his last few weeks before he goes off to Ghuyaloka and his Ordination Course. He's away this weekend on a retreat, during which further announcements and arrangements will be made. What David and I are going to do before he leaves, has also become clearer. We intend spending four days or so in Brighton, absorbing the diverse cultural, culinary and shopping highlights that the town possesses. Who knows, we might even have good weather. Next weekend we're up north for my niece's wedding. This will be the first public family occasion we'll have attended as a couple. Should be interesting how the elder generations of my family (if they're invited to attend) will cope with that.

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