In a previous diary entry I left myself juggling with a complex set of responses regarding my future employment. I had a decision to make regarding a new managerial job. Well I've decided I'm not going go for that at all. I want to stay on at windhorse in some capacity, as yet to be envisaged. This last weekend, with David away seeing his folks for the last time before he disappears into the Spanish mountains for four months, I've been ruminating, and musing fully, on that fascinating subject for contemplation - Me. More particularly me and work, responsibility and the best use for my talents. I have my interests, the ones I'm naturally drawn towards. I have some acquired skills, some talents and self-evident personal qualities. These things are where my strengths lie, are my directional signposts, and indicators to the lie of the land, they are my spirit guides, so to speak. I don't pay them quite enough attention, until they squeal.
Buddhism remains a main interest, around which other interests and talents roughly cluster, such as studying Dogen, history, spiritual friendship, painting and writing. One of the main things that emerged from the therapy I had four years ago, was how I needed to get more behind these interests and talents. This seemed likely to bring a more confident and contented Vidyavajra in its wake. Despite this promising start I have fallen short in that aspiration. I'll admit, I had unrealistic expectations of what might be possible, and external circumstances did also turn out to thwart my efforts. In short, I mishandled it, and reality reciprocated. The recent paying off of my loan, finally lays to rest the financial ghost of that earlier endeavour. So if what I intend to do now is to be a second attempt, then I need to be, if not wiser, then at least more realistic than I was before. Whilst painting or writing are unlikely to become a new career at this point in my life, they could still be a modest, but not insignificant, component in it. Would incorporating more of 'doing what I do best' help me feel generally happier? - I certainly believe it could.
So what I aspire to do in the medium term is - look into how, where and to whom I might sell my artwork. It would be very easy for me to expound my future strategy at this point, which might prove humiliating to read in future months. So I'll resist doing that. A good start would simply be to reconnect with my painting again, and investigate possible gallery or exhibition spaces. It's been a few years since I last touched brush or paint. I could also do with reviewing the current state of previous work, there may be some sprucing up required, before I get them properly photographed etc. So that should keep me busy for ooooo... the next few years.
If I'm to be realistic, there's probably only time, energy and resources to fully pursue doing the one thing - the painting or the writing. I've never found it easy to multi-task with my creative interests. Its always been one thing or another, but rarely both. Regardless of how this deliberation turns out, any progress will inevitable have to be in small, do-able, incremental steps. It's very early days with this idea, and its all very well me talking about it, I need to follow up with the outline of a plan of action. Steadily applying myself and maintaining that effort over a period of time will be my challenge. Initiative, interest and momentum can so easily run out of steam. Anyway, steady as she goes. Lets keep it grounded, lets keep it real. For the moment, at least, it does feel like I have the energy and initiative back.