Saturday, March 14, 2009

DIARY 98 - A sequence of scary moments

The future, as always, is full of unrealisable levels of potential, and its not a good place to find oneself imaginatively dwelling in, unproductively, for too long. Though it is undoubtedly rich fertile ground, you do have to plant your seeds in the present if anything is going to flower there. Having made my decision, I've made my bed and am currently lying in it, waiting for a new dawn to arrive. There is definitely a need for me to get in touch with the zeitgeist, be able to decipher, read and respond to it. Its all too easy for me to recognise what I don't want, and a lot harder to discern exactly what I do want. Often I don't know until I bump into it. But this requires a small step, for the life of me I don't yet know what sort of step that should be. So I'm experiencing a degree of stifled momentum - its a bit scary - Wu-oh there¬!!!!

Being a responsible soul, I've not wanted to remove myself too abruptly from Customer Services, and risk destabilising what has taken so long to achieve. In consequence I feel in a strange position, where I may have surrendered too much initiative to the vagueness of circumstance. In some senses the decision I made was long overdue, but my timing is not ideal. There's more than one major thing demanding my attention. David's departure is a mere three weeks away, so attending to my own needs can often take a secondary priority. A lot is being filed in the tray marked - to be looked at once David has flown off to Spain. Though I've stated my intention to step down as Customer Services Manager, I'm still actually in charge. So, work is still occupying mental and emotional space, so I don't find it easy to contact aspirations. Things can seem a bit messy and mixed up. A bit pulled in too many directions at once. I have moments when the uncertainty flips from being an opportunity, to being a bit too scary - Wu-oh there!!!!

Last weekend David & I went to stay with my parents, as my niece Laura was marrying her partner David ( Yes another one, this could get very confusing ) The wedding was quite a splendid affair, and it was a really pleasant experience for us to be there as a couple. Its the first time I've been in a family celebration and been openly there with David as my partner. My sister and brother in law were very warm and welcoming, as were my nieces. There were slightly disapproving, or at least quizzical looks, from the odd person. But largely everyone behaved themselves and did what English people do in socially awkward situations - behave as if whatever is directly in their faces, is not really there. Apart from my parents and myself, there was no one else from the Lumb side of the family. Otherwise, I suspect, there would have been a lot more nervousness about David & I clearly being present. But they weren't there, and we were, and the whole weekend went absolutely fine. Nothing too scary at all.

This week I finally paid off my bank loan. So I am - free at last! free at last!! My bank account reserve is now a tad depleted, so my expenditure is going to have to be carefully monitored for a few months. There are a few biggish expenditure things coming up, such as David & I spending four days in Brighton before he goes on the Ordination course. Also in April, work payroll is shifting from fortnightly to monthly payments, which means I'll need to accommodate a week or so of financial shortfall, until I'm paid at the end of that month. Then in May, I have a retreat at Padmaloka that I'll need to have money set aside for. Who knows I might even be out of a job by then. Cue - a little scary moment - Wu-oh there!!!!!

After repeated reminders from my parents, I am starting to get my head around the financial consequences of my own mortality, and writing a will. Though I can see myself consigning it to my post David departure tray before its finally resolved, it does demand a particular head space that I'm not able to be in for long at the moment. It's not everyday you sit down to plan for your demise and imagine what you want for your funeral. This also produces another scary moment - Wu-oh there!!!!

1 comment:

David said...

This post includes the word David 8 times!
I also have an in-tray of things to do after I leave for Guhyaloka. However I can't read any of the things that are in it, but fom here it looks pretty full.