Saturday, February 09, 2008

DIARY 52 - Venus Fly Trap Syndrome

Those two previous snippets from my dream life, sort of give imaginative flesh to aspects of my inner state of mind this week. At times overwhelmed and darkly introspective, on other ocassions deeply frustrated with being me,or with my job. Both have appeared to be in a bardo of treading stagnant water, which is most likely to have its origins in a perceptual bias or colouring, rather than being an actual physical circumstance. As ever it was all in the mind.

My acupuncturist performed a particular pin formation on my body last Saturday morning, to release blocked creative energy. The rest of the day I felt distinctly uneasy, without being entirely clear what the focus for my apprehension was. By Sunday I think it had emerged, I was just extremely irritable and unhappy with almost everything. Even though I was expending most of my energy in trying to contain my responses (which were many), it was palpable enough for David to sense it. He was concerned incase he'd done something wrong, which he hadn't, it was just me feeling as prickly and sensitive as a Venus Fly Trap.

Doubts about my job in Customer Services emerged strongl, once again. I couldn't even summon enough enthusiasm to engage with my own creative writing, which is often a great source of sustanance when I'm finding things difficult. Life at that particular moment felt full of discontent, it was as if I was being sucked in by some mental form of quicksand. Eaten up and spit out by negativity of the most feral kind. An old, and very unhelpful, view re-emerged; that no matter how much effort I put into improving a situation, it's all a waste of effort, and bound to fail. Keeping positive and optimistic in the face of this sort of onslaught Ifound a task and a half. This black metal billed bird has effectively consumed my creative brain power many many times in the past

I have also sensed before this shadowy part of myself who seems pretty inhinged, if not mad with me, or life. It appears to have lost patience with waiting, and wants to pull me away, to escape from the tyranny and shackles of responsiblity. Desiring more creative freedom and playfulness than I'm currently able to offer it. Strong imagery,with strong emotions attached, are obviously stirring restlessly in my meltingpot. Perhaps it is an indication that I need to change or improve the ingredients, or find a more appropriate recipe for what I'm currently doing with my life.

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