The second Eurovision Semi-Final had a better selection of songs than the first, but with no obviously killer song or performance to steal the show. There were some repeated themes. Songs that are really two types of song bunged together and will abruptly shift from one to the other style. With the best will in the world this is a hard bifurcation to pull off. You just end up surprised and not a little disappointed when the song looses consistency. After all you only have three minutes to sell your song in, keep it simple guys. The other thing was the dramatic costume change, which somewhat mirrored the song change tendency. You could tell in advance, at some point that cloak will have to be ripped off to a round of applause. It was done so often it became a cliche over night.
Our two hosts for the evening were trying too hard to be funny (failed) or did really peculiar behaviour that had you shaking your head, or turning it away cringing.. 'The so called 'comedian' was dressed like a mermaid with iridescent fertilised eggs all over her dress. Thank god I wont be watching any more of them. So now to the three best songs.
The evening opened strongly with the Australian entry. This is a charmingly silly song that was an utterly entertaining joy to watch, which the staging and the not one, nor two, but three costume changes made all the more impactful. He gives it all the energy and sheer chutzpah he can, but it still didn't make it through to the Final unfortunately. Otherwise there would've been a serious clash of the silly song with Estonia.
Its a tactic in Eurovision to often go for the eccentric, really out there song/performance to hit home with. What the Latvian entry does is give you a really unusual and interesting song, but on the right side of weird. The six singers are beautifully harmonised, dressed as they are in their wood nymph costumes. I think this is the most distinctive and original thing in this entire competition. For that reason alone, it is probably not going to win. But in the straight song competition, as opposed to the delightfully silly parody one, this wins hands down for me.
The Malta entry is the obvious gay crowd pleaser, sung with great conviction and gusto. Already controversial because when sung in Maltese it was very obviously playing with rude sexual derogatory words. Even adjusted to spare our blushes, the presentation is incredibly sassy and on it. This woman is happy to break those boundaries girl. A definite contender for winning, but who can say with Eurovision?
Often the best tunes in Eurovision never get beyond the Semi Finals. This year I think I'll review this and give the actual final a miss, as I usually find it, as an event, gives you an upset stomach. Its a bit like having something highly calorific and sugary thrust down your throat repeatedly. Entertaining though some of it can be, its way too much.
This years first semi-final was poor overall, with very little that was outstanding, with quite a lot of indistinguishable songs and lame performances. So there really are only these three I think are worth catching, all of them have got through to the final.
The first is the Poland entry - Gaja The singer apparently performed in an earlier contest when she was much younger. Quite how long ago that was is kept under lock and key, so you have to gauge that from how old you think she is now. Lets just say she's giving me Demi Moore vibes. Dressed in a much lacerated leotard, the staging certainly goes for it. Suspending her like an avenging angel at one point. Look out for the male dancer to her right, who definitely wants you to notice him.
The second is the Estonia entry Espresso Macchiato. This song has understandably upset a few humourless Italians as its a send up of every cliche about Italy you can think of. Its actually a brilliantly written, delightfully silly and insanely catchy song. Written by the writing team that wrote Cha Cha Cha for Finland a few years back, It is everything you like about a Eurovision song. The performance contains a lot of stupid dancing, wit, parody, with a heavy tongue in cheek. I want this one to win!
The third is the Swiss entry. Its a very sweet song, quietly affective and delicately delivered, with a stripped back one take film shot, No flashy editing effects and graphics. Unlikely to win though.
Most of the others are barely worth a mention. The Swedish song attempts to do what Estonia does, but with less poise and self deprecation. The Slovenian guy who wrote a song about his wife recovering from cancer, was so inappropriate and emotionally exploitative I deeply hoped it wouldn't get through, which it didn't.....thankfully. The Azerbaijan entry sounds as though it were sung by a child trapped inside a chunky grown mans body dressed in PVC leggings, and it was. The Italian entry well it was sung by this white face painted emaciated guy channeling 70's glam era songwriting, and it was truly dreadful. As for all the rest, well its best to keep schtum about those.
This years pair of contest hosts from Switzerland are really really bad, but not in a good way. Plus for some reason air violin playing is popular this year.
This year there have been teenagers and man child's performing and you would be hard put to tell the difference. Their vocal prowess often severely limited in range. Some can really only bellow from the top of their larynx and are utterly lost to an asthmatic whisper with anything requiring greater subtlety or sensitivity. It is worthy of note that these are all gentlemen, with somewhat enfeebled singing voices and presences.
DENMARK - Reilly
You would never guess this guy was twenty five years old, knock ten years off and call him a 'twink'. If 'he' is indeed the preferred pronoun here. Like the song itself, there is a degree of ambiguity surrounding Reilly. But for all his moving around and through the stage set, lying prone on the floor appears to be a preferred singing position. Either he couldn't firmly hit the right notes, or the tune itself was actually so intrinsically vague and elusive you have to assiduously hunt it down. There was only the merest suggestion of a melody being wafting through his vocal chords. I waited and waited for something to catch my ear, a hook line or a beautiful ascension of notes. But nothing happened. This was just as pink gem splattered aural void.
GREECE - Victor Vernicos
Now this young chap was indeed sixteen at the moment of this his first musical offence. But no one has yet arrested him for it. But boy does he need to return to drama school and learn how to sell a song. Here he is dressed in kakhi coloured gym wear, bobbing up and down repeatedly, or jumping in the air, as though someone has taken his trampoline away. Poor lad doesn't know quite what else to do. The boy either cannot hold a note, is under rehearsed, or doesn't know the song at all. There is, of course, the outside possibility that there actually is no song to be learnt. Poor Victor having to resort to coughs, whines and muttering phrases under his breath. Hoping to get to the end of this nightmare without anyone clocking that they had only a phantom song all along..
SERBIA - Luke Black
And so we go from underselling to overselling. Performances far far too high in concept and far far too low in song quality, are no strangers to Eurovision. Quite what this one was about I could not fathom. The least they could do was to make it obvious, you would have thought. It is however presented with such great solemnity and an implication of a profound, if not revelatory, meaning. Here is Luke in his new romantic blouse without a shred of a tongue in cheek, lying on a loosely formed white dental palate. Surrounded by a gaggle of subhumans with no facial features who pull and writhe in torment until Luke relieves them of their vacuum cleaner pipes. Portentous? No, say not so!
The BBC's presentation skills on this show, in this year, are so finely attuned. Ensuring that it is both located in the UK but reflects the Ukraine through it, and the country of each entrant. Not an easy thing to do at all. The three presenters Alisha Dixon, Laura Pausini and Hannah Waddingham are extremely competent and fluent, they don't fall into the usual stilted Euro tropes, badly timed jokes etc. So everything runs smoothly, but with maximum theatricality. No cringing. Oh except for when Alisha Dixon did a rap. That was truly awful. No person with a bow on her dress that size should ever rap, its just inappropriate.
A bit of a fashion this year for either lying on the floor singing to the lighting rig, or directing your vocals bent over as though vomiting, screaming and bellowing to the stage floor, or doing thrusting dance breaks squirming erotically all over the floor like a floundering koi carp. Beyonce really should get this sort of thing copyrighted The staging though unfailingly dramatic, does not distract from the songs which are quite noticeably weaker this year. Some of them are mere whisps, so softly sketched you can hardly discern a tune Denmark. Others have a quite contrived outrageously bonkers style to them that it quite diverts your attention away from the feeble nature of the song. Serbia and Croatia being the best/worst example. Some songs are simply lazily written and performed so feebly you come away feeling angry and despairing - step forward Greece. Some appear to think they are writing a mini operetta with many abrupt changes in tempo - Armenia.
Every year you look out for the out and out banger or something so bonkers you just instantly love them. But this years entrants are relatively tame. Songs, real songs, are in very short supply. But anyway here, nonetheless, are my favourites in no particular order.
FINLAND - Cha Cha Cha
There is at the beginning of this song a huge sense of something menacing being unleashed. It has the simplest catchy verse of the contest - Cha Cha Cha Cha Cha Cha. He gives it all great gusto. The song is, however, inherently weakened by its structure. It builds up very nicely, then two thirds of the way through it changes tone entirely. When normally you would step it up a gear to something louder, crazier or even more magnificent, it turns the dial right down to Eurovision Gooning Normal. Unsurprisingly struggling to regain the momentum thereafter.
SWEDEN - Tattoo
You have to hand it to Loreen she has probably the best vocal chops on show in the entire competition. Given a song like Tattoo she extracts every ounce of drama possible out of it. Accentuated by the compressed nature of the staging. She is, however, blessed with a well written song, unlike some we could, and have already, mentioned. Currently the bookies favourite, there is a bit of traction developing behind making this her second Eurovision win. Having won with Euphoria in 2012. Also there is a distinct shortage this year in the histrionic power ballad arena.
ISRAEL - Unicorn
Very slickly performed, this sort of corners the Dua Lipa end of the market. The chorus reminds me of The Spice Girls for some reason. She also does a dance break where she writhes with great pelvic floor gusto all over the stage. I mean really, does she have to? This is all Spain's Chanel's fault who did a much better, and hence, storming dance floor routine in the 2022 final.
AUSTRIA - Who The Hell Is Edgar?
A song about being inhabited by the ghostly spirit of Edgar Allen Poe. Catchy repetition of Poe Poe Poe. Its really about the paltry payment rates for music streaming. In a crowded market this competes well for the most off beat witty song of the competition. Not quite the clincher though. It loses its mojo, and doesn't quite know how to conclude its premise by the end.
BELGIUM - Because of You
In the straightforwardly camp department this fits the bill. We have Gustaph dressed in white jacket and voluminous pink shorts with an out sized white hat. A conventional dance tune, his voice is a bit like Mick Hucknall crossbred with Sam Smith, he has great backing singers and a pet trans dancer called Pussy.
Runners up who - Failed To Qualify
MALTA - Dance ( Our Own Party ) Otherwise known by the sillier alternative title - I Feel Better In My Sweater. Probably suffered from utilising an old Euro trope, one already used by Moldova twice over in previous competitions - the catchy saxophone break. Inexplicably changing to glittery sweaters half way through brought them no extra devotees.
GEORGIA - Echo Dramatic staging and probably one of the most adventurous musical arrangement of the competition. Unfortunately won not enough fans. At least she wasn't trying to channel Beyonce.
Israel Some of the best bits of Eurovision never make it past the semi finals. Its a shame then that the Israel entry I.M didn't make it further. Well danced and performed, with a catchy song. But he was on second in the song roster which is apparently death to anyone's ambitions. Its very camp, I think this gentleman might be 'player of the pink oboe.'
Norway There is always plenty of weirdness at Eurovision and Subwoofer's - Give That Wolf A Banana is one of the best executed bits of techno dance music with its own peculiar logic and humour.
Moldova Oh the dear Moldovans, I just love them. Always coming up with something catchy, wacky and ever so slightly tongue in cheek. This is also great fun and uplifts the spirit. Here we have a song that's an ode to a train line the Trenuletul - as they tell you in the song - the train's route is East to West Chisinau to Budhapest!
Serbia Now in terms of oddness nothing quite beats Konstrakta - In Corporea Sano. It opens with the immortal line - 'I wonder what is the secret behind Megan Markel's healthy hair - I think that deep hydration is what it is'. Apparently the song is an expose of the appalling state of Serbia's health insurance.
Spain The key to an exhilarating performance at Eurovision is when song and routine come together and produce an all out blinder. Not only is Spain's song SloMo a corker, Chanel gives it 100% The dance routine is absolutely fantastic, it goes the full Beyonce and beyond. It's spellbindingly good.
