FAVE RAVES OF 2025 - The Places We Go To Eat Cake

Whilst I don't normally compose these lists in order of price, quality or preference. I think in all of these cafes, a coffee and cake for two people will be around £14-16. I'll make no secret on this occasion which one's of these are currently the best all round for quality coffee and cake.

No 1- Salthouse Stores - Salthouse
Over 2025 we've made countless visits to Blakeney, taking stock we've made for Seagull's Gallery, to check what we've sold, or do our twice monthly voluntary manning of the shop. Nine times out of ten we'll go early in order to stop off in Salthouse to have coffee and cake in the Stores there. Because it is by a long way the best made coffee in our bit of North Norfolk, and its never 'barista dependent' either. The coffee is always made to a reliable standard. They also have a consistent range of sweet and savoury bakes. People literally fight over their Cinnamon Buns, because they are simply the best when they have them in, ditto their Cruffin. Plus they do an excellent Banana Loaf and Vegan Roll too. Their interior seating is limited. This becomes crucial in the Winter months. Also the local Ladies Morning Walking group has been known to take over the entire spaces available, should your timing be a fraction out. The local store and giftware sections are very well stocked and contain a nice interesting range of items. But for us, these are generally on the far too pricey end of retailing.

No 2 -Folks - Holt & Blakeney
If we don't go to Salthouse Stores on our way to Blakeney, then we pop into Holt instead to frequent Folks. Folks is the best coffee shop in Holt, the coffee there is also consistently good, and they generally have a fine range of cake bakes to choose from. The Orange and Carrot Bake being worthy of note. It's also light and spacious with loads of tables to choose from. Its minimalist aesthetic is beautifully executed, with a thoughtfully chosen range of wooden seating and tables. However, if you should have an adult with a loud or penetrating voice or a screeching complaining child, the acoustic can be quite unforgivingly harsh and echoey. There is nothing there to act as a sound absorber.

They used to do what I describe as a knotted fist of a Cinnamon Bun, which I rather liked, but it only very infrequently appeared. Recently Folks announced they were now stocking Cinnamon Buns by a company called Swirl, and I got prematurely excited. These turned out to be doughy and too sickly sweet for my liking, and I had acid reflux and an upset stomach after. So you can't win them all. Folks in Blakeney is petite by comparison, but is also good. though its cake range can be minimal and its opening times in Winter can become a bit erratic.

No 3 - Stiffkey Stores - Stiffkey
Like Salthouse, Stiffkey Stores is a mixture of local store, and a posh interiors, card and gift shop for the well off middle classes. Whenever we are heading Walsingham or Wells Next The Sea way, we will definitely stop over here. One, because, once again, the quality of the coffee is consistently excellent, and two, because they make a Peanut Blondie that is simply the best ever. So we never try anything else, unless they've sold out, which is a very rare occurrence. They only have outdoor sheds, tables and benches, so when the easterly winter wind is blowing hard, you are unlikely to visit, or stay for long. In the summer its worth getting there early, before every rambler, twitcher, second home owner and hurray henry hipster yummy mummy family quickly fill the place to the brim. 

No 4 - Cornish Bakery - Southwold, Norwich & Bury St Edmunds.
On one of our twice yearly jaunts to Southwold, we first tried out Cornish Bakery, and experienced the taste of their sublime Cornish Pudding. The latter is a mash-up of yesterday's danish pastries with chocolate and raspberries, this is so delicious it almost touches on divinity. Since then if we see a Cornish Bakery anywhere we'll have 'The Pudding'. East Anglia now has two more branches, one in Norwich, the other in Bury St Edmunds. The coffee is consistent, but not particularly superlative. Their newer branches are noticeably more spacious and very baby buggy friendly. They are rapidly becoming a national chain. PS. Friends of ours thought it essential for me to add, that Cornish Bakery sell off their pastries at a reduced price just before they close, so it can be worthwhile working out the timing and popping back later

No 5 - Bread Source - Norwich Cathedral & Alysham
Bread Source are very much a Norfolk phenomena at present, installing pop up cafes in stately homes all over the county. They took over the Norwich Cathedral Cafe and have made it the best place to rendezvous in the city for lunch. Not too noisy, quite spacious, with plenty of tables, a good range of bakes, savoury options and superb bread range. Coffee, is again consistent, but not that notable. Their Cinnamon Buns can be variable in size and quality, but if you get to pick the properly risen ones, they are lovingly slathered in cinnamon dust and are gently sweetened. They also have a pre-prepared vegan salad in a box that can be quite a wonderful taste sensation. The branch in Aylsham, has all the above, though it has the same problem as Folks in Holt, with a harsh echoey acoustic, which at its worst you can hardly hear yourself think in.

No 6 - Grey Seal Cafe -Sheringham & Cromer
Grey Seal once had ambitions to be a chain across North Norfolk, but has now concentrated on it's two sites in Sheringham and Cromer. They do a rather fine Cinnamon Bun, which I've only ever encountered in the Sheringham branch, where they will warm it up if you wish, and this is just spot on. Second only to Salthouse Store's. Inside seating is a bit at a premium, particularly in the Winter months. They could do with having more adaptable two person smaller tables. Instead they have a pair of rather substantial four seaters, that tend to get half used. The general ambiance in Sheringham is really relaxed and friendly.

The Cromer branch can be a rather more inconsistent experience. Their opening time can be a moveable feast. the cake range can often be sparse. Its quite a large cafe with plenty of seating both inside and out. The coffee quality has been known to be 'barista dependent'. I drink Oat Latte's generally these days, and it seems, these are the ultimate test for how good a barista is or isn't. In the well trained hands of a good barista an Oat Latte turns out creamy with a rich depth of flavour. In a badly trained one, they'll invariably burn the coffee, or the oat milk, or both, and you'll wonder quite what it is that is delaminating the roof of your mouth lining. 

CARROT CAKE REVIEW No 37 - Carrot Cake Extinction ?

It has not passed completely without notice, that in the gap between the end of Covid and my return to reviewing Carrot Cakes, something woefully untoward has happened to the Carrot Cake. Where are they? Is it me, or are there fewer and fewer actual Carrot Cakes in cafes to be reviewed? 

Of the three reviews that I've written lately only one of them was for an actual cake. That is a cylindrical cake, with two layers, frosting in the middle and on top, this is the most basic of basic minimum requirements.  All the rest are ruddy tray-bakes. Now it could be I've been leading a sheltered life, and not ventured far enough afield. This is certainly not definitive, such a small sample could indeed be misleading. But my intuition tells me different, so I have now put myself on vigilant alert. As we maybe witnessing the slow extinction of the true Carrot Cake. If this is the case, what may lie behind this?

Let us examine some prejudicial suspects.

1 - THE PERNICIOUS INFLUENCE OF HIPSTERY
Apart from an unhealthy preponderance of extravagant beards, both suiting and unsuitable. Plus the regular appearance of a non specific tartan shirt, drain pipe trousers, with optional denim bomber jacket. We also have the world of hipstery to thank for the broadening of coffee types to include the Flat White and Cortado, to name but two. But also the ubiquitous presence of tray bakes and flapjacks, any confectionery that is vaguely rectangular and flat. 

So if I were to lay the blame for the demise of the full fat Carrot Cake fairly and squarely anywhere, I would say, just look at the dominance of hipster 'woke' ideology. Tray bakes are part of the basic uniform. And whilst I'm piling on the blame frame, let us not forget my Old Betty No Are, the secret infiltration of gluten and dairy free.tray bakes as standard fare. As if they were indistinguishable from the real thing. I am here to firmly tell you they are not, and what's more they never will be. Do not treat them as if they are the same, just tell me they are gluten or dairy free, and then I can strenuously avoid them. Rather than fulminate exasperatedly, increasing the froth in my Oat Latte tenfold, when I discover the perfidious deception has been perpetrated upon my taste buds, yet again. No more fakery I tell you!

2 - THE COST OF BLOODY CUTTING CORNERS
I know we blame Covid for everything these day. In this case the effect has been longer term upon the hospitality business, with staffing levels dropped, costs and quality cut left right and centre. The humble Carrot Cake, and proper cakes in general, have been a casualty. Tray bakes have better portion control, and hence are cost effective. Otherwise, you are left to the whim of the waiter's or waitresses generosity or lack of experience with basic geometry in relation to cutting cylindrical confectionery.  How many times have you been served either the thinnest stingiest of cake wedges that can hardly stand up on its own. Or alternatively, been over-faced by being served a whole quarter of a cake that weighs more than your bowels can handle without the help of a lubricating suppository? I can well understand why tray bakes seem like an ideal substitute, I really do. Whatever you do don't let them decorate your carrot cake with an unfortunate swirl of squirty cream and a testicular gathering of kumquats. Be warned.

3 - THE LONG DEMISE OF CARROT CAKE SKILLS 
Its much easier to make a carrot tray bake, there is a lot less likelihood of it going wrong for one. It has been a frequent moan of mine, that what gets served up in cafes are frequently not Carrot Cakes at all. They are spice cakes - blandly indistinguishable beige confections with a marzipan carrot on top - they taste strongly of banana and little else - but more often than not they just don't have enough bloody carrot in them. This is not effin rocket science guys! 

But larger quantities of carrot mean you really have to watch your recipe carefully. What you're mixing in it, not to overburden it with secondary ingredients, take care over how you are making and baking it. so it comes out dense and weighty, but not doughy and under cooked. In short to make a true carrot cake requires refinement, sensitivity and skills honed over many years of confidence sapping, often public, humiliation. Don't worry this humbling is above all character building.

Tray bakes, by comparison, are easy peasy and what's more you just takeaway and go. I can well empathise with the discerning customer who regularly experiences huge disappointment every time they land upon purchasing a carrot cake. Its a risky choice. This is my world boys and girls. It brings on an air of existential despair every time I have to tolerate these slandering imperfections on a daily basis. I'll have you know, its vey wearing upon my hard fought for equilibrium. If everyone demanded a proper carrot cake, standards would soon be raised. Sometimes I've felt like a lone voice crying out in the wilderness, and have cut a rather ridicule inducing jib at times. Yeah, eat your tray bakes bitches, go on take the easy way out.

4 - THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD
I despair these days, I really do. I've been thinking a lot lately about whether all this reviewing of Carrot Cakes is really worth the literary effort. The world is going to hell in a handcart, and the long demise of the Carrot Cake has to my mind come to be indicative of the loss of truth, meaning and purpose more generally in Western democracy.

If even Carrot Cakes can be faked, then what hope is there left for us all?. 

CARROT CAKE REVIEW NO 36 - The Tray Bake Equivalent Of Posh Totty

Folks Coffee Co, Holt, Norfolk

Probably the newest cafe in Holt, let alone North Norfolk, Folks is developing a small scale Norfolk chain of cafes. One in Norwich, Blakeney and Heydon, now joined by this one here. Clean minimalist layout, light coloured tables with rather lovely bent wood pale rattan chairs, olive green table light, warm grey and white crockery. Folks Holt effortlessly nails the brief for a sparsely styled modern cafe. 

It also produces a very fine Oat Latte. The cake range, though often limited, is always well made. So I could confidently order a Carrot Cake, which was really, as ever, the ubiquitous tray bake. But this being Holt, it wasn't considered acceptable to produce a passably fine tray bake, it had to do everything but put brass knobs on it. 

So where shall I start in describing this tray bake? Well, what first attracts your eye is the huge amount of foof, the confected froth of stuff they pile on top of it. Not just a Pecan nut, but also three small dimpled pools of a fruit compote, an extravagant scattering of lavender and wild flower petals, not to mention a handsomely generous thick cream cheese topping. All atop a small cube of dark coloured carrot cake that has heft, moistness, dried fruit, chopped nut, and more than enough grated carrot that it patently shows its strandy origins in the external texture of the cake. My God, this might just be the tray bake that ticks most of the fucking boxes I've ever conceived of, in my admittedly nitpicking pedantic imagination. Bar the one about tray bakes not being truly cakes, which remains true, whatever.

So glory alleluia! the darned thing tastes like a carrot cake ideally should. All the top stuff is not an unnecessary distraction of confetti, but genuinely complements the flavours of the tray bake beneath. A very good carrot cake like texture, not too weighty, not over cooked nor under cooked, not claggy nor doughy, not too mixed spicey or flavourless, not dominated by the taste of banana, not, for Christ's sake, a cake of blandly unidentifiable origin. Not any of these things I interminably criticise more grown up Carrot Cakes of actually being. This is probably the nearest a tray bake will ever come, to fulfilling my stringent recipe requirements for any Carrot Cake, whatever the species.  Yeah, always a shame about the tray bake. But maybe I'll just softly blur the edges a bit, and partially forgive that on this one occasion.
    

    CARROT TRAY BAKE SCORE - 7/8

CARROT CAKE REVIEW - No 35 - I Really Want To Be Kind, I Do Honestly!

Sheringham

A good coffee on a Sunday morning has a distinct pleasure all its own, particularly when you are down on the front in Sheringham. It was the day after a thirty two degree heat. In the late afternoon we'd had to prematurely curtail a meeting here with friends because it was just too unbearably hot, and the humidity had resulted in the hatching of whole flight squadrons of swottable flies. Which nonetheless swarmed around my medicinally blood thinned body looking for a convenient point of rest or entry. 

But on this particular Sunday morning we had the benefit of it being both bright with a strong along shore coastal breeze. The cafe is a summer favourite, and hence most favoured for our morning coffee's before I dispatch Hubby to his work. The coffee ,the view, the general ambiance, is great, plus the guy who owns and runs it is gregarious, affable,and an all round friendly cove. I've never been called 'buddy' quite so often before. So I really want to be kind, I do honestly, I like the place and the coffee here. The quality of the cake offering, however, is inconsistent across the range available. Its generally very good to...Mmmm...to what I'd reluctantly say dips below average. I usually have a tea cake, which is a stolid stomach filler, but consistently its a bit light on the sultanas for my preference. Someone in the bakery needs to get in touch with a more free flowing level and abundant spirit of generosity. 

They've taken recently to doing a regular 'try these out' feature cake. I guess to see if they are missing a trick. The Cinnamon Bun, unfortunately was way too heavy on the dough, very very light on the cinnamon/sugar. So today's offering of a Carrot & Pecan Cake, I approached with a degree of, eyebrows in alert, caution. It did look, on even a momentary glance to be suspiciously too light in both colour and texture. It was of course really a neatly portioned tray bake,(ie. not a cake ) to be momentarily pedantic. Yeah, lets leave that exactly where it is shall we. Lest we find ourselves becoming unkind in the process of not quite managing to overlook what is a 'majeur signe de danger.', as far as Carrot Cakes go in my estimation.

The texture, once it was in the mouth? Well, it unfortunately gave the feeling, at just gone 9 am, of being already a bit dried out around the edges. Did it have substantial heft and moistness? No, I'm afraid not. On the tongue there was a distinct granular sensation, coming at you from two directions simultaneously. One from the tray bake mix itself which appeared to have a higher than usual broken nut, but still bland, constituency. The other was via the unspeakably thin layer of 'vegan?' frosting that tasted poorly mixed - still half marge / half Tate & Lyle. The Pecan bit, well, that must have been that one plonked in the middle of the gravelly frosting   

Now Hubby asked me, just out of polite interest, had any carrot been creatively wafted in the near vicinity of this tray bake mix? Well, here was the most curious phenomena of this tray bake, one I have never ever encountered before. It had a thin layer of grated carrot laid as a base for the tray bake mix to rest on top of. You could visibly see errant strands of suspiciously carroty orange venturing to be part of the main body of it, as if they knew in their heart of hearts, in their very genes, where they ought to be. Its almost as if this were either an after thought, or someone forgot an important ingredient for any carrot based confectionery. Say not so, Sir that they might have done this deliberately, for aesthetic reasons! Thankfully no marzipan carrots, even though Hubby confesses to quite liking them.  

How kind do I want to be? Well, this kind.

CARROT TRAY BAKE SCORE- 4/8

CARROT CAKE REVIEW No 33 - The Zen of Tray Bakes

Stiffkey Stores, Stiffkey, Norfolk.

There are days, believe it or not, when I'm quite inclined to be a little less stern, a little less didactic, a little less proscriptive. Here, for the record, is one of them. 

You should all know by now what I generally think about tray bakes. Or have you really not been paying sufficient attention? In brief, its lazy baking, it's not really a cake, it frequently hides faults that would clearly be seen were it a proper full sized cake. But halt, hold my horses before they bolt off into the wild horizon of fulmination and froth. Maybe it is possible for there to be exceptions made. If so, what would these be, and why? Please enlighten us, Oh carrot cake guru. Proceed to unfold your hidden truths.

Stiffkey Stores, unsurprisingly is in Stiffkey. Part Post Office, part general corner shop, part cafe and part a low key interiors store. A current iteration which appear as to have been much more successful than previous ones. Its become a destination. Because it covers some local village requirements and is a welcome stop over point for rambling tourists and otherwise. Including us. We frequently have broken our journey to Wells next the Sea here. Even though its barely four miles to go!

Flat Whites? Passable to good. A decent blend of coffee and grind doing most of the heavy work. The range of confectionery is, however, notable for its range and novelty. Most of which are pulled off. There is the usual preponderance of things baked in trays, innovative brownies, blondies rocky roads and other variations on a theme of pastry. Things quickly laid flat in a shallow tin, cooked on 160 fan, for 15-20 minutes, and allowed to fully cool, then cut with a knife. Voilà! Segments.

I ventured into the consumption of a carrot tray bake, because I was in the mood for a cheeky surprise. Call me intuitive, I was not disappointed. This small square of confectionery, as you can see from the photo, was cut to fit neatly and properly into its paper serving tray. Not slumped ungainly at an oddly precipitous angle, like an ill fitting shoe. Just because you provide food in disposable plates and cups, doesn't mean everything has to be thrown in too. With a bit of forethought, presentation is an easy thing to be mindful of and to master. Here they appear to give it some.

And so we come to the carrot tray bake itself. Pray tell us what that was like, and why this particular tray bake could overrule your Golden Rule No 3? Well, let us be clear. It still does not make it a cake. A tray bake is a tray bake, is a tray bake. But perhaps, as a tray bake it can hint at a greatness beyond the limitations of its shallow form. That if it were a fully formed cake would make it superlative. Also simply to attain the essence of a carrot cake, in a more minimalist genre of confectionery should be worthy of praise. With the necessary rejoinder - and now go bake a cake!

Now on the top of this carrot tray bake, was a wonderful cream cheese frosting, layered on generously with a pallette knife. Not even like low fat, or feverishly sweating in the heat of day.  Mixed with confectionery icing sugar, not caster sugar. It was thus as smooth as face cream but firm enough to show no sign of slithering.

The tray bake itself had a great looking texture. A smattering of succulent sultanas and spices one could genuinely call subtle. The requisite burnt sienna colour, in the characteristic rough stranding of a bake containing a far from paltry amount of carrot. It never ceases to amaze me that anyone would stint on an ingredient so central to a successful carrot confection. It would be comparable to refusing to put an egg in Eggs Benedict just to keep the calories down.

In short this was in the direct transmission lineage from a great carrot cake. It was all in that original recipe, but for a tray bake this was more than a cut above, what can often be a very low bar. Weighty and carroty, what else could bring such joy and pleasure to your mouth Stephen? I couldn't possibly comment, let alone blog.

CARROT TRAY BAKE SCORE - 7/8

CARROT CAKE REVIEW No 32 - Oh, Prithee Try My Patience Not!

Cromer, Norfolk.

I mean, look at it. This feeble cake in its ill fitting paper dish. Already half sagging just with the gentle pressure of resting in it. It makes your heart doubly sink, that such a thing was thought decent to be brought into this world.  

Now, I like this place they try their best to act ethically and responsibly. They run a great little outfit, friendly, well organised and plugged in to their community. Going there is one of our favourite morning treats before work. I've written in rhapsodic detail in a previous cake review about their carrot cake, made by her Mum.  May she live long and prosper. It is the bees knees - made out of carrot.

And then there was this! Well, I guess they just needed to do it. Get the whole vegan carrot bake idea, off their chest, out of their system, a tick on their to do list - done. What's not to like? Well quite a lot actually. ' I'd be interested in what you think of it' they said to me. Obviously had not read any of my scathing reviews of other carrot tray bakes. Not to mention my general feelings about a carrot cake/tray bake in its intrinsically aberrative form . Otherwise, they'd have thought twice.

But, ever the willing customer I purchased this cake produced in accord with the ethics committee for saving the penguins from buying a freezer. Trying my best not to prejudge, to experience it lightly, free of bias or favour. Failed, at the first hurdle. Yes, we are back to the look of it. A smattering of chopped nuts, that's sort of OK. But it rests upon the most thin and pallid of frostings. As if drained of all life. Though the colour and texture look to pass muster, it is as if there's a palpable sense of something on the very edge of death. Ready to redissolve into its chemical constituents and sink into the cake

This was off putting. I almost dreaded the moment of proffering it to my lips, surrendering it to the mastication of my teeth, rolling it upon my tongue to savour its flavour. Otherwise known as putting it in my mouth. One has to shove these things in one's gob, or you'll never know will you? It might be a f-ing delight. So I persist out of a weighty sense of it being my duty, I might add. Oh, my giddy aunt, what have I done? 

It was like everything I've ever disliked in these ruddy confected vegan/ gluten free/ dairy free carrot bakes. All in one slice. First, let us be very very clear, this is a tray bake. And we know that offends Golden Rule No 6. But it has to be a tray bake because it would rapidly deflate under the weight of an actual layered structure. It has that all pervading sense of a bland carrot cake, being salvaged from tastelessness by adding  a boat load of spice. Which breaks Golden Rule No 1. Plus, its gluten/dairy free - Golden Rule No 3. I gag, but I do the deed and eat it. If you don't know what all that means I refer you to my Carrot Cake Review No 23, where I lay them all out in livid detail.

All I can say in its favour, is that it was moist. But moist in the way the Humber estuary is. As soon as cake hit saliva you'd got a silty sludge clogging up your food channel. I've mentioned before the 'Farley's Rusk Effect' of non traditional flours. Yeh, baby food. Here was an example classique. The frosting tasted as though it had been made from the spontaneous ejaculation of a distressed polar bear, metaphorically, not actually of course. Think of the animals. Though no banana in the bake mix. So we should be thankful for that small mercy. 

Gloop though! gloop!! gloop sticking to the roof of my mouth. Too polite to spit it out, I manfully attempted to swallow it, fearful lest it might cause a life threatening intestinal blockage. It was fine, but it did noticeably land heavily in the pit of my stomach, and rested there much longer than was comfortable or desirable on a chilly morning.

I gave them my full and frank review.  We haven't seen even a whispered suggestion of this cake since. Hopefully it has been ethically euthenised.

CARROT SCORE - 2/8

CARROT CAKE REVIEW No 31 - Claggy as in Cement

 Sheringham, Norfolk

Cafés in our town are ten a penny, really good ones are a rare species. Most are not bad. Pleasant, but average you might say. Nothing to, scare the horses by producing a well rounded Flat White with great richness and depth. Buying a coffee here generally blurs the boundary between a cappuccino and a latte, whatever the coffee variety actually be being made. This, in my experience, is not unique to this town.

Suddenly, post pandemic, cafes in North Norfolk seem to have woken up to the fact that they are competing for business. Standards of confectionery have noticeably risen. The coffee quality has yet to follow suit. I do like this particular cafe, its very pretty, always has a welcoming feel and good customer service. Their coffee? Well let's just say three things - One, their Latte's are good. Two, their Flat White's come in two sizes Regular and Large. Three, their Latte's are good.

Its a universal truth that any shop has its set of Unique Selling Points, and the things that it regularly falls down on. Here its homely, friendly ambiance and customer service do much of the heavy lifting, to makes it an very attractive place for a return visit. Which we do, when we can. The coffee quality as I've said, is acceptable. The Cakes? Well it depends what you choose. Their quality can vary from great, to nice try, to that's a bit under cooked. But that is also quite a common fault in cafés. One can also unwittingly find oneself eating something made for sensitive stomachs without fully knowing it. Left  wondering what it was that was not quite perfect about that red velvet muffin.

But they did have a Carrot Cake on this occasion, so I showed myself willing to give it a try. I ordered my Large Flat White in the full knowledge that it would only be a strong Latte. For that was my subversive desire. The cake, well it had a good enough golden tan like appearance, a slightly feeble looking buttercream, and a texture of woven strands reminiscent of OSB board. So the visual impression was of a pleasant enough facsimile of a carrot cake. But as with all things, looks can be god almighty fibs.

As I put the cake in my mouth I was a little on edge about how it would be as a taste experience. Initially it was OK, yes, this was OK, wasn't it? As my taste buds got used to the new sensory sensations and began to interpret them, there was an odd transition in its texture. Rather than holding its weight and flavour, once saliva got to work on it, the texture dissolved into a claggy, then almost dry cement like after taste sensation. I recognise this. Oh, you all know what this is, don't you? This is some aberrant variety of gluten free flour unlikely to send anyone's stomach into a full disgruntled bloat. Give me strength my great Jehovah!

You know, I'm becoming tired, yes, really tired of the increasing pervasiveness of these sort of culinary subterfuges. Bakers are noticeable getting better at producing gluten/dairy free cakes that look convincing from the outside. But the taste experience still leaves me half aggravated, half disappointed. Too exhausted now for the full on fulminating rant.  

I like this cafe a lot, but its not because its an all round superlative experience. It can be patchy. But then when is any café ever such a thing? Not very often I would say. I can remember a handful, no, its less than a handful, of truly all round brilliant cafés. My expectations are always for something that is actually a very very rare occurrence. Where ambiance, customer service, coffee and cake quality all reach a peak of excellence. And that can be even harder to maintain.

But, please, please please, out of genuine concern for my continued mental health, could I be told when a carrot cake is made with gluten free flour and maybe I'll chose a bloody half macerated flapjack instead. Because I'm just so so so tired of the failed fakery of gluten free carrot cakes that would not upstage a Farley's baby rusk.

CARROT REVIEW - 3/8

CARROT CAKE REVIEW No 30 - The Cake That Was Not There

 Norwich, Norfolk

Just when you think there is nothing new in the world of Carrot Cakes, either to be said or reported upon. Then you encounter something you truly hope is a one off, an anomaly, a catering glitch in life's kitchen. But perhaps this is a perverted new trend in contemporary cafés. And you, having been the first to discover it, must then alert the world to its manifestation in the real world. Its criminal and pernicious consequences pointed out. Consider this your early warning

Hubby and I were in Norwich. We'd just walked miles from the garage on the outskirts where we'd left Barbara to be investigated for a coolant leak. Desperate for a Flat White and a cake, as a well earned reward for making it this far on foot. Now Norwich, even if you only half know it, is not short of a cafe or two. We chose this cafe simply because it was there. We walked in, it was our choice. 

All I can say in our defense is - it looked welcoming, vaguely hipsterish with indications of a wholesomeness normally associated with a Health Food store.  Wobbly wooden tables, roughly sanded old floors, industrial style lighting, staff wearing full length aprons and a general ambiance of the improvised and upcycled. You get the drill.

We had to wait a while to have our order taken. Maybe we should've left. Unfortunately we were just a fraction too patient. Now in most cafes when I place my order for the game changing Flat White with a Carrot Cake chaser, I sort of expect that it will come in that sequence. In most cafés it does. The coffee arrives first - the cake will follow. Standard etiquette. Maybe I should have perceived this as an oracle for what was to come. The cake came first. So I sat there, for quite some time I might add, waiting for my Flat White to arrive before digging my fork into the cake. I do require the reassurance of the caffeine elixir being in full view. What if the cake turned out to be as dry as the Gobhi desert? Could there be anything worse? Well, read on.

Thankfully only one size of Flat White was offered. But on arrival it is served in a cappuccino sized cup. This is not good, and it wasn't. A strong latte coming up. Correction a weak latte was coming up. Oh dear, what was the cake going to be like? It looked a passable facsimile from the outside. But as soon as the fork went in, the cake crumbled into pieces. You put the fork into the broken off smaller pieces, and they shattered into even smaller bits of rubble. This went comically on and on, so before I reached 'totally crumb' level, I decided to just shovel it into my mouth. 

However, once it actually got into my gob I was baffled. Had I not just put cake in my mouth? Or was I imagining I did? Should there not be a sensation of carroty spicy flavours now running riot across my palette? Indeed there should have been. For whilst the cake had initially seemed to exist in the realm of solid form, its weight and texture all rapidly vanished, along with its flavour. Yes, disconcertingly, this cake had no flavour at all - At All! - No flavour - At All !! - Yes, you heard it, NO FLAVOUR - AT ALL.!!!!! 

I was so astounded I passed a piece to the Husband for confirmation. I hadn't suddenly developed an early symptom of Covid, had I?  But he confirmed it to be tasteless, sniffed and muttered - maybe a bit of banana. Yes, the infertile one. The flavour cuckoo. The infringer of Golden Rule No 8 . As there was no taste at all, how could that even be? So I could not concur. But the incriminating evidence was nonetheless stacking up. 

Then we came to the frosting, which fell out of the middle of the cake like it was the confectionery equivalent of a vaginal diaphragm. All of one piece floppy and rubbery. The top frosting being the same, but with a desultory dusting of a spice - maybe cinnamon, nutmeg, cocoa? I ceased to care. After further investigation I concluded the frosting wasn't even a particularly mutant form of buttercream, it was marshmallow. Yep, marsh - mallow. Sitting on the top like an off white layer of silicone bath sealant.

So what we have here was what I've always feared.  The logical culmination of every possible gluten free, dairy free, allergy free, vegan, bi-carb infused concoction, all being rolled into one cake. So careful not to upset or offend the ethical or digestive delicacy of someone's constitution that you don't just end up with a poor substitute for a carrot cake, but no discernible carrot cake at all. You produce a cake that is not there. A tasteless space. A carrot flavourless vacuum. A carrot cake that thrives in virtual reality, but not in mine. How can I even score a carrot cake that does not even exist? Well its a black mark for not telling me it was 'free from' - literally everything - for a start.

This was a truly awful experience. The worst carrot cake I have ever, ever had the misfortune to pass from my mouth through to my anus. Most cakes I can find it within my crusty old soul to find one redeeming feature to at least raise a score eg - to congratulate the baker for getting out of bed that morning. But, sorry I am not in a charitable mood. I am unwilling to even countenance an unwarranted kindness. 

This carrot cake deserves to be punished, and punished severely. It was an abomination. They could have served me an empty box with 'carrot cake' hastily scribbled in Biro on the top, and I would not have known the difference.

Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, calm yourself. Surely you have made all this up? Exaggerated this purely for comic effect. Unfortunately all this is true. A carrot cake with no redeeming qualities.

Be warned, this cake is now out there.

CARROT CAKE REVIEW - 0

CARROT CAKE REVIEW No 29 - Fusspot & Foofy This Isn't

North Sea Coffee, Cromer Promenade, Cromer.

You are not going to believe this, you are just not. A third carrot cake since lockdown finished and a third thumbs up. Have I turned into a push over during the last year? Now, I know some of you take a perverse delight in the more vitrolic reviews. The more fulminating a condemnation the better. To be honest I miss that too, it can be such a relief, like releasing a long held fart. Its cathartic. But the ultimate aim of these reviews is to praise the perfect carrot cake. So when I do find one it produces a teenage giggle of delight, that penetrates and rattles through the world weary cynicism of my sixty four year old form.

So what do I say as I begin my review? Don't lose your perspective. Don't get carried away. Don't be deceived by fusspot and foofy presentation. ( that may just be another Golden Rule right there ) In this case it was somewhat the opposite. Don't be mislead by the first appearance of your cake being served unceremoniously shoveled into the papier mache equivalent of a dog bowl. However perfectly and ecologically formed from recycled pulp.  Look at that photo! The presentation, even if I were to be charitable, is unprepossessing. But I am more than willing to forgive such errant casualness. should the darkly ginger tinged nosh inside it prove superlative.

You may have heard me mention North Sea Coffee before. I do have, shall I say, the odd Flat White there. It is served in one size, in a small disposable cup, so they get that bit right. As a Flat Whitel its acceptable, but no shining gold star. It is a few kilometres away from the real deal - at The Black Apollo in Holt.  Yet after battling through the wind and rain on the Cromer seafront, particularly this past summer, with a passably good coffee at the end of it - meaner men than I would not quibble. 

What lifts any wavering spirits are the cakes. Perfect little specimens of wholesome confectionery. My personal favourites in descending priority being Date & Fig Slice - Apricot Slice - Banana Loaf.  Some of their best confectionery is produced by the Mother of one of the women who runs North Sea Coffee. She is something of a confectionery goddess as far as I'm concerned. So the day when a carrot cake appeared on the cafe's cake list, interest was peaked enough to put aside my abiding preference for the aforementioned Date & Fig Slice of immaculate conception. Such is my devotion.

Anyway, we are four paragraphs in and still scene setting. Start the review of the cake, its overdue. As you can see from the photo this was one mega piece of carrot cake, carelessly slumped as it is in its ill fitting paper potty.  Looking for all the world like a full grown man forced to wear an old school uniform. All the externals of the cake look correct. The tan colour, the weight if it, the mix, the frosting, the walnuts. Look how many walnuts there are, confident in its resemblance to a full sea of curly hair. 

Yet how often have ravishing appearances deceived us? In the world of the carrot cake looks are not entirely trustworthy.  The cake's texture was spot on. Hefty but not doughy, sturdy enough yet still a strand filled sponge, that was moist. The frosting lay there, magnificently forming a firm crust, but with the delicately sweet edged taste we expect of a superlative cream cheese. I instantly felt deep love for this rough hewn ragamuffin of a cake. Its a classic carrot cake, that doesn't need the additional plump of sultanas to brighten up its flavour spectrum.  Quite nutty though, which is a good thing. This one was indeed a very good thing. 

CARROT CAKE SCORE - 8/8

CARROT CAKE REVIEW 28 - And So, To The Carrot Cave, Baby!

 Southwold, Suffolk

This is a petite fronted bakery/cafe on the main street of Southwold. The Two Magpies are currently on something of pincer movement across the lowly mounds of Norfolk, with new sites recently opened, or due to open, in Norwich, Blackney and Holt. Stumbling across them on a jolly to a favourite seaside town in Suffolk, was an opportunity to get a sneak preview. Like casually encountering a caravan park arranged on a Stalinist Gulag theme, its not to be overlooked.

The Southwold establishment is this aspirational chains source cafe. It is very tiny with only a few tables at the back and to one side of the serving counter. So the emphasis is primarily on takeaway. The first thing to notice is the terrific range of confectionery. I was absolutely wetting myself with glee at the choice. But I was thinking of my duty and devotion to you, dear readers, when I settled on a slice of carrot cake with my standard Flat White chaser.

So, lets get the Flat White over with. The one thing to say in its favour was that it came in the right sized cup. But a Flat White, well, it is so much more than a ceramic cup isn't it?. Its like congratulating me for turning up in clean trousers, with a body slotted inside them that's not seen soap for weeks. Well done, for getting the cup size right chaps. The coffee contained inside was... not good. The base coffee was far too harsh, with not sufficient depth or roundness in its roast. Hubbies Iced Latte was similarly coarse in flavour, so it couldn't be put down to the ubiquitous badly trained Barista. As far as their coffee goes, I wouldn't rate them very high on the Richter scale, or any scale for that matter. Creamy it was not.

But let's be fair, most businesses have their short comings, drastic or not. Most have a couple of unique selling points too. The Two Magpies win purely on the range and the superlative quality of the confectionery they produce. My first thought about the Carrot Cake was, that this was a f.....g massive piece! Three layers of carrot cake separated by the slimmest rendering layers of frostings. They obviously pay great homage to the same gods as me, as that frosting was the semi-divine cream cheese of legend.

As regular readers will know, a good cream cheese frosting these days is on the 'at danger list' for slipping into extinction. So it is Glory Hallelujah when I find one. I then cross my legs hoping it turns out to be a good one. And this frosting? Well it was very delicately sweetened, and had not been drenched in an unhealthy amount of vanilla essence either. It had a natural light texture and taste, tickling all the right taste buds mischievously on the tongue. Orgasm boys and girls, Orgasm!

And so to the carrot cave, baby! An excellent colour, a dark tan brown, with just a hint of ginger carrot strands woven through it like a jacquard textile. Once it hit my gob, it turned out to have an expertly balanced mix of moist and heft. Not so wet that it compacted under the gravitational force of its own weight, forming a squidgy foundation layer at the base. I've wasted my hunger on too many under cooked damp courses, thank you. Accompanied by that feeling in the pit of the stomach of a masticated cake settling like concrete pebble dash down there. Ugh! That sort of carrot cake is just not nice.

But no, I digress, this cake was weighty, but with that lovely textural feeling of lightly rolling on the tongue its uneven carrot strand bedecked nature. All done without much suggestion of it being over padded out with raisins, sultanas or walnuts. It was spiced, but in a subtly suggestive way. No danger of this one infringing my Carrot Cake Rule No 1 then. Bet you are all mightily relieved.

Something else, however, not to rate them on, is the cost. Be warned, though the cakes are way above normal in quality, two coffees and cakes turn in at around £16, which is steep! This cafe is then for special treats only. The sort of place you'd take your most life embittered Grandma, to impress her with the size of your love and largesse. If the coffee could be brought up to match the quality of the cakes, it might actually be worth it.

CARROT CAKE SCORE  7/8

CARROT CAKE REVIEW No 28 - Quelle Surprise! Cake Sex!

Holt Garden Centre, Kelling, Norfolk

We were on a mission, to buy a container for a recently bequeathed gooseberry bush. We start off at Holt Garden Centre because its the closest  Venturing further afield should it disappoint, and in the past it has done so, frequently. During the lockdowns  Holt Garden Centre has undergone a massive makeover, setting them back two million pounds. But the outcome of it all is a Garden Centre that knocks spots off most of the local competition.

If I were to describe their previous cafe I'd have to say it was amateurish. Always looking if it was run by a gaggle of semi retired volunteers drawn from the Kelling WI - Friends of Holt Garden Centre division. The new cafe is large open, airy and no longer looks as though it was set up in a converted milking shed. Its stylish and spacious. Having quickly made our decision on the pot, we rewarded our aesthetic deliberations with a coffee and cake.

And....they had a Carrot Cake. It was a really foofed up one, flouncing on a cake stand. Saying look at me - Oo La La - smack your lips around this hustler. In short, it bore all the outward signifiers of a Carrot Cake posing provocatively in a red light district window. Such 'come hither' cakes can be the confectionery equivalent of Boris - over promising and serially disappointing. So, I was not holding out for a hero with this one. That sort is usually all provocative display and no cake sex.

I ordered a slice, plus the obligatory flat white chaser. Only one cup size of FW's offered, so no annoying sizeism here. It turned out to be a passably strong coffee. OK, but a FW it was not. The Carrot Cake, as I said had all its frilly knickers on show, with a half dried slice of orange stuck in the frosting like a Flamenco hair comb. The exterior circumference plastered in frosting. Pebble dashed exceptionally heavily with walnuts. Served on a roughly triangular shaped ceramic plate. Three raspberries on one side dusted with icing sugar, and the aforementioned half candied orange. One glance at the cake itself, titivating aside, told me that this was not a bad carrot cake. It bore all the visual indications of actually a rather good one. Quelle Surprise!

The texture looked good, an uneven mortar mix with sizable chunks of walnut grits mixed evenly across it. It was in short not stinting on the required ingredients of grated carrot and nuts. So thumbs up there. The taste was rather excellent. Finely balanced, it expertly walked the line between weighty and light on the palette, but had the necessary doughy gravitas that avoided sinking into being under cooked. 

Now a lot of carrot cakes lack confidence in the basic carroty experience of a carrot cake, and tip in a scree of mixed spices to fill in for the perceived lack of flavourings. Either that, or they are fraudulent cheap skates who will con you with a Spice Cake, but lets not go there yet again, eh? Here the spices were very well balanced, just a suggestion, not a clarion call to the international spice trade to 'send more nutmeg and cinnamon'.

The frosting was the only slight disappointment, it being a butter cream. Well actually not even butter if The Supreme Cake Maker is to be believed. He said it was margarine based. But having maligned it, I think I have to say this made a light, not too sweet or intrusive entrance. A compliment to the cake not an active takeover or aggressive drowning. For a marge sludge it was not bad. 

A well judged carrot cake all round. 

CARROT CAKE SCORE 7/8

CARROT CAKE REVIEW No 27 - Agh!! No!!! A Walnut Cake!!!!

Holt, Norfolk

I will be kind - I will be kind - I will be kind - I will be kind - I will be kind.  But.......sometimes cafe's do not make it easy to be kind. So what follows is my best effort at trying to remain kind.

Hubby and I have during the lock down taken a few longer walks around a country park. This time, because the cafe was now open, we had a coffee and a carrot cake - en plein air. I had no great expectations for either. I was disappointed, but stopped just short of being driven to spluttering expletives. There was something very very wrong about this carrot cake. Quite apart from the cake, which we will come to soon enough, it was the butter cream, it had the most peculiar flavour. Hubby had the same cake and reliably informed me that the buttercream, rather than being made with butter which its name you would have thought made it obvious what the main ingredient of it should be, was substituted with baking margarine. Yes, I was shocked rigid too, if not jaw droppingly appalled. Hubby is sure it must have been done purely for reasons of cheapness, because its flavour was truly one of the most awful things I've placed in my mouth in a long time.

When we come, as we now do, to the cake I'm aware that it doesn't get any better I'm afraid. The predominant flavour was of walnuts. The texture was sort of OK ish, but I'd say a carrot had been magically waved over it in a homeopathic ritual. Then a carton of mixed peel was thrown in, because it certainly needed something to bring it textural ecstasy and satisfaction. 

If I was reviewing a walnut cake then this would be quite a nice walnut cake, with walnut brains decorating its bizarre tasting frosting. But as I'm supposed to be reviewing a carrot cake, which this most certainly is not, I think they should be pleased they got any carrot score at all. What they have been given, is there purely as a reward for the effort of getting out of bed to make it.

Oh boy, that was difficult, but I hope you are impressed - I kept myself f-----g kind.

CARROT CAKE SCORE - 1/8

CARROT CAKE REVIEW No 26 - Unadorned by Greatness

Sheringham, Norfolk.

It's one measure of the effects of the lock down on the supply of carrot cakes to review. I'm now reduced to reviewing a loaf!  So here goes. Can a carrot loaf be thought of as a cake anyway? Isn't it just a tray bake by another name? Because if it is I refer you to the Golden Rules, they are not a cake. So I'm struck with the force of a mallet ie not that subtly - that this loaf off the Market is not one either. Plain and naked, without any decoration, no marzipan carrot facsimiles, thankfully. Its a loaf that is sliced vertically, so its certainly not a wedge. Cakes are cut in wedges. Therefore this loaf is not a cake. Move on.

I'm going to proceed as if I've not just said that, and just take this review as an exercise in culinary largesse.  The texture of this 'loaf' was the correct colour - 'Burnt Sienna'  and certainly in the right ballpark texture wise - a soft rubble. The base had the appearance of being slightly under cooked, darker and wetter looking, a bit depressed as if it had sunk from being sat on for a short while. Either that or recently defrosted and the moisture from the thaw degraded the robustness of its texture.

The loaf slice was actually quite substantial, they weren't being ungenerous with it at least. You could see the carrot stranding still and felt the moistness of it between your thumb and finger as you proffered it to your mouth. And when it went in? Well the first sensory impression was of...coconut!...and then banana!!....followed by an after taste of mixed spices. But none was worryingly long lasting. Their fleetingness indicates the flavour balance was not too queered by any one of them. It was a carrot loaf. The texture on the tongue was about right, except for that bit at the base where the unfortunate doughy quality spoiled its rubbling effect. It was fifty fifty between under cooked or defrosted, probably the latter by a whisker.

I can't review any frosting, inner or outer because there wasn't one. But for something that wasn't a cake in the first place, that was OK. Plain, but not offensive....for a loaf.

CARROT CAKE SCORE - 3/8

CARROT CAKE REVIEW No 25 - Smoke & Mirror Cakes

Waitrose - Carrot & Passion Fruit Cake

I understand its difficult to make even a half satisfactory carrot cake in a factory. A true carrot cake is a highly unsuitable recipe for mass production. Its not a sponge cake, its generally heavier than most cakes and hence can be unpredictable in its outcome and cooking time. This is why factory produced carrot cakes invariably turn out to be just spiced sponge cakes, incurring my wrath and wither because, like a drug addict, they can't stop themselves from breaking not just one Golden Rule, No 1 but No 3 too. Cake makers, whether in a factory or in a cafe kitchen, can resort to smoke and mirrors, giving a carrot cake an exotic sounding name or ingredient and sticking marzipan carrots on it - they look like a carrot cake - but they're not even a short stroll away from being one.

So this Carrrot & Passion Fruit Cake from Waitrose was low in my expectations before I even snapped my lock down eroded dentures around it. They've branded it so because it sounds unique and sun kissed and not your common carrot cake found sweating under cling film on the stall of a Summer Fayre. Yet on the first bite you could be forgiven for wondering - 'So where is this Passion Fruit then ?' Turns out, in actuality, its only a very minor ingredient. Basically just a squiggle of passion fruit curd forming a double wavy line, like a pelmet, around the edge of the cream cheese frosting.  Smoke and mirror cakes dear readers, classic smoke and mirrors!

But!....Yes!!...a cream cheese frosting!!! - that'll shorten its shelf life. How do they produce a cream cheese frosting so thin yet stiff enough in consistency not to either sink with a pock marked grey drizzle into the cake or slide drunkenly off it? You would really have to scour the ingredients list looking for gums. That said, it was a recognisably cream cheese frosting and it caressed the cake with all the intimate fidelity of a life long lover. Touching perhaps, but not a passionate grapple on the croquet lawn.

Anyway, back at the cake experience. Well, unsurprisingly, it was spongy, but not so that it felt artificially pumped up. Carrots were higher up the ingredient list than you might expect, so the texture of the cake was more a light delicate rubble than an evenly whipped aeration. In terms of weight, well lets say it had cuddly love handles, lacking the expansive heft of a spare tyre swaddling its midriff. Plenty of sultanas moistening the mix. No discernible nuts!

If one were to overlook the smoke and mirrors, and I am on this occasion inclined to do so, it was not bad. For a factory produced carrot cake this made a passable approximation. 

CARROT CAKE SCORE - 5/8

CARROT CAKE REVIEW ( Archive ) No 2 - Spice Cake Does Not A Carrot Cake Make

First Posted on my Perfect Carrot Cake blog on July 22nd 2017

Sheringham, Norfolk

The cake on the plate looked enormous, declaring itself a value for money slice of cake loud and clear. You could even see the gratings of carrot creating an orange speckled effect. The first taste of the cake was that it was rather fluffy and, I have to say, excessive in the lightness of its texture. I don't know about you, but for me, one of the characteristics of a really good carrot cake is that because of its primary ingredient, ie. the carrot, it tends to be a dense and weightier cake than most other species. When you envisage a carrot cake, fluffy, never comes to mind. I came to the conclusion that this cake was, in its very essence, made from a sponge mix with some large gratings of carrot thrown in for local colour.

So, it carries its carrot credentials a bit weakly. That said, it still had some carrot taste to it, plus a mild amount of mixed spice. The overall appearance and taste did teeter towards bland, which is a shame. Had it been served with a rich treacly sauce then it could easily have passed for a sponge pudding.

The frosting was a buttercream, stiff in consistency, though laid a little thinly so it became semi- opaque in places. Now I'll be frank, I'm no fan of buttercream on a carrot cake, as it usually ends up being too sweet and dominant, tending to drown any carroty flavour there may be. You rarely see a proper full creamed cheese on a carrot cake these days. I understand why, because this would shorten the lifespan of the carrot cake on the cafe shelf. Plus a cream cheese wouldn't suit low fat diets, dairy free or vegan customers. However much a buttercream is the safer choice, a cream cheese frosting remains, in my opinion, a much better compliment to a carrot cake's flavour.

CARROT CAKE SCORE 5/8