Saturday, March 21, 2009

DIARY 99 - Swamp Thing - I Think I Love You.

Often in nightmares, and horror movies, just when you think the hero has escaped,and got out of the swamp to safety, suddenly he's caught off guard and dragged back into the swamp by a slimy monstrous thing. This last week, at times, has seemed a bit like that. I tend not to recognise how I'm feeling about a situation until I'm actually right in the thick of it. This can sometimes prove to be a real problem. By the time I do realise, it can often be too late, the monster has eaten me! Extricating myself from these errors in judgement can be awkward or extremely embarrassing.

I'm not always that good at thinking ahead to the possible consequences of a decision, it has to be said. Imagining what I want in the future often baffles me. I just take the plunge, and work out which way to swim once the wake has subsided. This week, I've found myself floundering hopelessly in choppy emotional seas. It might appear like I'm too dependant on the sensing & feeling aspect of my experience. But after all I am an ISFJ - Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging ( its one of 16 Myers-Briggs personality types ). In the past I've resisted this tendency, I now recognise it as a strength, not a personal flaw. Rational thought? I mostly apply it after the event, rarely during. If I attempt to be rational in the midst of sensing or feeling something strongly, that's when I get terribly confused.

Well, just as I was bemoaning in my last blog feeling blocked regarding my future, someone came along and offered me another management position. Was I interested in it? - Well - Yes - I suppose I am. I was, I admit, somewhat flattered - somebody recognises my qualities - and wanted me! But I hardly knew enough then, to say if this was what I wanted. Would I come for an interview early next week? - Yes - Fine. We want to make a decision this coming Wednesday - Ah !!!- well - er - yes - OK. - that quick- eek! As the following days passed, the interest and flattery faded from memory, and turned into persistent foreboding, and to panic. This was all happening far far too quickly. If I wasn't careful the monster would catch me unawares, eat me for breakfast, and I'll end up as a glutinous pond of poo.

The interview itself was preceded by an hours chat with the current incumbent of the job, and I saw the job description for the first time. The interview was a bit longer and more gruelling than I'd anticipated, but I believe I handled it quite well. I emerged battered and then went straight into a half hour chat with someone else, who, should I take the job, I'd be working with. So, two and a half hours later I walked home, feeling a bit like a bomb had been dropped on my brain. I think everyone at the interview realised that this process was being insanely rushed. Thankfully, things are now on go slow. I'm finally feeling less freaked out, and have got in touch with the complexity of my emotional responses.

Should I be offered the job, do I want it? - don't know! - should I accept it regardless? - perhaps - well - err - I'm not sure - am I just grasping at this as an opportunity to feel more secure? - could well be - is this really what I need right now? - No!!!!!- but can I afford to be that subjective - what if I can't stay on at windhorse - there are practical things to consider here too - not just transitory feelings!! Yet staying on in Customer Services feels uncomfortable, similar to being forced to wear a fur coat in a Sauna, you're dying to throw the responsibility off, and be free of feeling over dressed.

It does seem strange, in hindsight, that one minute I'm saying I'm not ideally suited to be a Manager, and then in the next breath I'm applying for another managerial post. Rather contradictory behaviour. It not that I don't believe I could do the job, I know I could. It would've been a lot more straightforward a decision if I'd been clearly unsuited to it. The job is not without its areas of personal challenge; I'd be responsible for a lot more financial management than I've ever had before. I'm sure I'd get the hang of it, but do I really want to get the hang of it? I've got the hang of my current job. Getting the hang of things doesn't appear to be the problem, getting the hang of me is. I know how effective, competent and thoroughly reliable I can be. That's not the point really.

So what is the point? My intuition keeps telling me to stop taking on positions of responsibility. Intuition did indicate that being a Customer Services Manager wouldn't suit me, but a sense of urgent necessity made me override my reservations. Why do I do this? - because I think there is no choice - because I think it'll be good for me - or because I think I should do it. All of them have developed a rather bad dissonant ring to them of late. For a time, I just want to take a back seat. Intuition, and my experience too, tells me that at this time in my life I need to find ways to get behind what talents and qualities I already possess. There really isn't time to fully develop new ones. Its now or never, and I'm not prepared to say never just yet.

( To be continued )

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