Friday, December 05, 2014

DIARY 127 ~ This is the time and this is the record of the time

Recent months, if not this whole year, has been challenging.  Somewhat dominated by concerns and efforts at work to contribute towards reversing Windhorse's economic woes and precarious position, and with my own aspirations to develop the artwork I do, being to some extent sidelined because of these circumstances. The balance between the personal and the practical has never been more finely or painfully drawn.

Windhorse's future is still in the balance after a year of ideas,creative solutions and optimistic efforts to turn things around. At the moment I feel a bit out of optimism and wondering if throwing in the towel gracefully would not make a cleaner break, rather than floundering on trying to survive like a half dead fish already out of the water. I sense a tide of war weariness rising particularly in myself, but also in the overall atmosphere at work. I doubt there is much energy left for many more battles. There's a sense of confidence being withdrawn, painfully reminding me of the end of my own business.

Creatively I've been focusing on my artwork, largely in terms of the process, style and finish of it. I'm still quite enthusiastic for where I can take this. I can see a gradual loosening up in its design and structure as I push into new areas, trying not to let what I've done before set false limits on what I can do now. Though it remains clearly still my work, as some of the aesthetic interests I have never appear to alter.  The evolution of my working process, is increasingly more 'lets see where it goes when I do this' than 'I have this idea lets carry it out meticulously to the bitter end'  I've become much more relaxed and confident within this evolving process and rarely get the anxiety I used to about it all 'going wrong.' Things never do 'go wrong', they just go places different to what I originally thought.  Paradoxically this is more satisfying, and enjoyable.

I've had to let go, for now, of ideas to sell my work via galleries or the web. I just don't have the personal resources of time or energy to bring these into being at the moment. This feels a more difficult thing to let go of. For not doing anything about it produces its own tension, as if I'm trying to keep hold of an aspiration that will slowly slip from my grasp if I let it. But life like my artwork, is all the better for not being held too tightly to a specific course. What life has so far thrown at me has rarely accorded to any vision I had for it. This has never been easy territory for me to be in. I've been endeavouring lately to see life itself as being a constantly evolving process too. One to an extent you must ride along with, rather than continually put yourself in opposition to, or try directing.

So if Windhorse does close, and I'm unemployed, then I''ll have to deal with whatever that leads to, both the positive and the negative consequences. I'm not saying that's going to be easy, probably not. Today I'm about to go on retreat to Rivendell, on a retreat called 'The Gods will offer you chances' a title that seems somehow prescient.  Seizing and following through on such chances when they arise seems to be more in keeping with how life is actually lived.

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