DIARY 8 - BACK TO BASICS

The whole process of personal/spiritual review began because of physical ailments. A persistent back problem which came and went in intensity according to mood. Here I am a good 2-3 years later, and many changes down the line, with the range of physical aliments growing by the week. The back is still with me, though nothing like as intense. To this I now have to add severe shoulder pain, particularly when I'm asleep, a tight achilles tendon that hurts like hell in my heel if I'm stood or walk for too long. The Doctor says these are difficult ailments to heal, so it will all take time of an unspecified length. My stomach has been upset now for three weeks or so, alternating between being bloated after an ordinary meal to discomforting flatulence. All I need at the moment is this blessed head cold ( yes, its still with me! ). I have to acknowledge that my current work/financial situation is the root of matters physical. I do feel to be under a lot of strain.

As yet there is no visible end in sight to this situation. I keep scouring the job adverts. My heart of hearts says; I really dont want to work anymore, I've had it with working for anyone. Whilst at the same time I know that that's niether realistic nor entirely true. I look through the newspapers and the internet sites and feel my heart sink in dispair at the paucity of work I find myself remotely interested in. Or more to the point, jobs I could apply for with more than a cat in hells chance of getting. Meanwhile, work in the Crematorium drags through its petty pace from day to day. What in heavens name do I need to do next in order to turn this state around? Patience and persistence, two of my best qualities, are rapidly loosing energy the longer I remain in this bardo. If I have to drag myself forward again I'll scream,'this is getting very very very boring !!!' I'm grappling more regularly with a 'fuck em, it isn't worth the effort' truculence. Not very constructive I know,but I have to acknowledge that response is appearing more frequently in my psyche. To summarise in as English a fashion as is possible, I am more than a tad frustrated with the universe.