Apologies for the gap in blog transmission but the last few weeks have been a bit full with meeting up with friends and my 50th Birthday. As a birthday present to myself I've recently bought a new computer. For some time my blog entries have been composed on David's old computer and taken on disc to the local internet café to be posted, or I've had to wait till David brought his laptop home. Now, I'm finally achieved my independence, I can now check my e-mails with greater frequency. Though, I must say, quite how long it would have taken me to get the computer up and running, had I not had David's extensive help, I shudder to think. It has taken a substantial chunk of his time,this and last weekend. From today I'm now able to access the internet at home, which seems a wonderful luxury.
The birthday itself was composed of good bits and stressful bits. The presents obviously ,and a meal out at a good curry house in the evening being the good aspects. The bad was entirely work related; one person being on holiday and another calling in sick ( with what turned out to be a heart attack ) meant the days work schedule went pear-shaped from the moment I arrived. For the next few days,we two remaining Chapel attendants were chasing between the two chapels and getting the bodies into the cremation ovens. Stressful and knackering, would be a more than adequate description for how the rest of the week turned out. Not helped by our Manager, in full knowledge of our predicament, deciding to work from home on our busiest day!! By Friday I'd descended into a mood of brooding frustration and felt pissed off from the moment I got up, right till the moment I went to bed.
However, I know there is a bit more to my mood than that. I'd had another acupuncture session on Monday. The procedure he did this time was to deal with the 'husband & wife' division, to begin working on the internal conflict I mentioned in a previous posting. He said it might create an altered state whilst the tension began resolving itself. The treatment energised me and I came out of it feeling like I was surrounded by a warm fuzzy glow, like in the 'ready brek' adverts. Today, five days later, I'm definitely aware of the physical and emotional tensions resulting from my 'creative expressive' side and my 'practical functional' side being in constant conflict. When things are not right at work is when I feel this split most acutely. I awoke this morning with an overwhelming feeling of despondency and despair, thoroughly fed up with this ever present feeling of being divided down the middle, and the resulting emotional tug-of-war. Being aware of this division will no doubt be a major part of its integration, and eventual rebalancing we hope. I know all too clearly what it consists of, but how it is to be resolved, overcome, or brought to a peaceful reconciliation is, at this moment of writing, a great and looming mystery.
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