MY OWN WALKING - Journal 01/01/22

One morning recently I lay half dozing in a sort of waking dream. It was one of those constantly unfolding scenarios where I am lost but trying to get back on track. I was out cycling around with a good Buddhist friend of mine. We get parted along the way whilst peddling through one if those wastelands of run down trading estates, partly redundant warehouses and rubble car parks. Whilst trying to catch up with where I think my friend is, I take a short cut through a small brightly coloured clothes shop. This is very tiny and quite labyrinthine, and has multiple eccentric points of entry and exit. Which one will be the best way of getting out of here with my bicycle and catching up with my friend? 

I never locate him, but then in this type of 'search dream' you rarely do find your way. The desired destiny remains elusive, just beyond tangible reach. The emotional tone of any dream is primary here. The detail is generally misleading should you start over interpreting them. This one put me in touch with my own fears and anxieties about losing spiritual purpose and direction. These feelings have a tender, raw quality to them, surrounded by auras of doubt. It has some truth to it. Whilst I am encouraging myself to stay open and receptive, it has no intentionally predefined sense of direction. To be directionless is not necessarily to be lost? You can have purpose in the moment, without knowing where you heading towards.

Travelling without a spiritual map you do have to stop every once in a while to check out where you are, the terrain ahead, potential paths forward. Maps are nothing but abstractions, symbols and analogies for the path, nothing like the literal ground you are to traverse. But maps provide a sense of security through the confidence in knowing the general direction you're heading in.  A spiritual map defines what your purpose or mission is. Faced with the actual territory there's frequently a mismatch between your experience and what the maps tell you should be there. Its easy to then become confused, questioning and doubt filled. At some point spiritual maps become redundant.

Whether what you are doing us correct. Are going the right way? These are common experiences whether you are travelling within or outside of a spiritual tradition. Questioning and doubts are part and parcel of the currency exchanged between practice and faith. 

The Lotus Sutra recounts a parable. A group of people are being guided towards a supposedly Magic City. Though the journey is arduous and long, thoughts about reaching the Magic City keep everyone motivated.  But as they near where the Magic City should be, the guide informs them there is actually no such a place. That it was employed simply as a device to make the journey easier. Teachings in any tradition, convey particular sets of myths about the path and where ultimately a spiritual journey is destined. Our need for a clear tangible goals sustain our faith, even though ultimately such descriptions of the goal may prove to be deceptive or illusory.

However, here am I, currently talking about my spiritual journey as a supposedly 'independent path'. This is a story I am currently telling myself about why I am doing what I am doing. Though the story is bound to be shot through with self delusion, its helping me navigate my way through the unfamiliar territory I'm currently walking through. Undoubtedly I'll feel occasionally I am wasting my time, wandering about aimlessly in the barren wasteland of the worldly realm. If I am lost, what is it I have lost? Have I lost faith? If so what in?

My motivation, purpose and resolve to persist deserts me from time to time. Confidence and trust in what I'm doing will return, I know. I have to hang loose with feelings of being clueless, bewildered and directionless. Its difficult to stand back, to not strive too hard to forge a way forward. Perhaps, for a while at least, it may be better to stay put, wait patiently, be receptive, to get a better feel for what the actual ground beneath me is like. Faith returns like every good friend does, in its own good time. 

In my last journal entry I touched on a variety of things I felt were missing. Perhaps I need to add faith to that list. Faith can become invisible to you from time to time. Faith stands upon twin unstable grounds, in a goal one has no experience of as yet, in relying upon the slippery hold we have on our sense of purpose and practice.

A journey doesn't need a destination, only a purpose, an imaginary conceit. In your imagination you require your own version of the Magic City. Quite what that is for me at the moment, what I am unconsciously putting my faith in, is an interesting question. I have no clear perception or answer as yet what that is. But I can be sure I will have faith in something.