MY OWN WALKING - 2nd Journal April 2022

Though I'm much more resilient than when I was younger. I still have days when holding it all together proves difficult. But these times are invariably moments which reveal what is languishing beneath it. If depression pops up, then I need to pay more attention. Something needs to be acknowledged, or responded to. It may take a while to put my finger on quite what that is. I have to be emotionally more observant, willing to be truthful, and not habitually reactive.

Obviously times are still hard with our business, and the stresses and strains of that are ever present. I have had a few instances lately where I've been definitely been struggling with that more. It manifests in losing motivation. I find it hard to emotionally engage with anything I'm doing. As I often use activity and doing as a way of negotiating myself through difficult emotional times. Not feeling able to even do anything, feels like a double loss. I think my psyche knows how to put me on the spot. Just pull the plug on those usual escape routes. 

The general feeling tone this time is - that life has become all about making things for the shop. A cycle of the same things over and over. Insufficient creative space for my own artwork. I feel as if I am running on empty. Though my own creative process is an issue. There are two other things to note - moving here to Sheringham and my leaving the Triratna Order. Both things removed me from a network of friends and connections built up over many years of working and living with other Buddhists  We've lived in Upper Sheringham six years.  But I've not made any friends here. I do feel lonely at times.

Hubby and I are a good team, able to support each other well. Effective as our relationship is, it is like being tuned to the same radio station all the time. There is a need to hear a diversity of approaches and points of view. Find something that is more my own, outside of the shop and my marriage. I need friends generally and male ones specifically.

I've been thinking of getting involved with a few local groups for a while, but done nothing to take that idea forward. It would be a way to break out of a habitual self reliance and containedness, to make new friends and acquaintances. Doing anything new can revive ones spirits. What I notice initially is that awareness of the shy more reticent side of my nature becomes more apparent. I usually have to find a way round that, or succumb to my introvert reserve.

I've made a start by joining a local men's group called The Exchange that meets fortnightly. There's a diverse age range who attend, which was good. I enjoyed the first meeting. I have a few other things I want to try out. You'll no doubt hear of them at a later date. These activities are going to be all mine.