SHERINGHAM DIARY No 97 - In The Aftermath

I appeared to have been alright, right up until the point where we went public with our decision to shut the shop. From then on it has felt a struggle to stay emotionally and constructively engaged. I have found myself increasingly tense physically. The length and quality of my sleep noticeably shortening. All of this not helped by the first week of November being truly atrocious sales wise in the shop. Then the stormy weather did not help. Far too many external storms matched my internal ones. The uncertainty has been grim. Uncomfortable resonances with past experiences of closing a business re-emerged too.

Tuesday 7th November

I had a nightmare last night. One that has a familiar cast to it. In it I am busily involved in a perfectly normal dream story line, one I can never recall afterward, then these dark shadow like figures sneak in from the sidelines, to take over the dream and move in to take over me. 

It's never sure to me whether that was something external invading my dream space or was it an internal mapping out of a fear. I couldn't get back to sleep straightaway. There was still some sort of emotional connection with the nightmare going on. When I got up later, I was shaken and out of sorts. There was an emotion hanging around waiting to be recognised, attached to an idea, that something stable and familiar was about to be snatched away. The shop, my life, who knows?

Wednesday 8th November

Today was a full, but often fraught day. I spent the morning cleaning the kitchen. The house has taken such a back seat in our priorities these last few months, it became a filthy hovel. So recently we've spent time tidying up and sorting out. Because dirt and squalor are never passive companions, but reflect our mental states back on us. Personal neglect goes viral.

I'm on the afternoon shift in the shop. It was planned to collectively take down the summer bunting and put up the winter lights in the courtyard. All the Courtyard Christmas decorations are kept in a loft in one of the shops. So we got everything down only to discover there were no lights. The cafe found one set. But there were two others missing. The search went on and on. No one quite knowing where they were. It turned out they were in the hairdressers. By the time they were found and put up, a job that should have taken about an hour, had absorbed over three. Truly narked by the time I went home. Which I think was indicative of my mental states at present. I'm narked about the nature of reality.

Friday 10th November

We thought our initial notice we put up in the shop was, perhaps, a bit too focused on finality, the closure of the shop. It didn't sufficiently highlight the things we are moving forward with. We corrected that today, with a poster that reframes the decision to close the shop within a necessary change of focus to craft markets and our website. That felt truer to the spirit of it. And whilst there is a negative story to be told about the difficulty of running a small independent shop in a time of economic meltdown. About something coming to an end. Well, maybe that narrative has had more than enough airing from me. It's not the whole truth.

Saturday 11th November

Hubby is away visiting family this weekend, so I have the house entirely to myself for three days. And a full day ahead in the shop looms. Not particularly looking forward to that. The Thursford Christmas Show started this week and the North Norfolk Railway its Light Express trips. And we have had matinee goers stopping off in town. But like everything it's taken down a key or two on previous years. For who has the money?

Today in the shop was an OK day. Felt worth going in for. Watched Strictly - Layton's Argentine Tango was truly knock out. Then watched A Matter if Life & Death on I Player. Liked it a bit more on a second viewing. The inherent contrivance of its mise en scene, rankled less. I could enjoy the ambiguity of what exactly we were watching. Questions it never fully answers as a film, which I guess, makes this one of its enduring qualities.

Sunday 12th November 

I tend to be more unsettled in my sleep when Hubby is away. Hence, my being up and at 2am. My upper chest feeling really taut and stressed. Not going to do much today, bar try to chill out and relax. Just so long as that intention doesn't become another bullet point on a task list. 

Monday 13th November
Well the shit show that is this government just threw whole lot more fuel on the fire. Yes, Sue Ellen has been sacked, but who will The Wee Sunak replace her with? There is also the not too delightful prospect of Braverman Unleashed, spouting even more divisive bonkers vitriol. But if this accelerates the collapse of this government, may be that would all be the price to pay for it. Don't rejoice too much, for this could get really dirty real soon.