MY OWN WALKING - Second July Journal 2025

The spiritual life can often throw you curve balls, asking you to respond creatively to them, and not just hit them back out of the proverbial ballpark. In many ways this journal's whole point has been to explore what comes up. To provide what arises with context if needed, and attempt at least to do so kindly, and not just descend into a self lacerating analysis. One that extirpates or expels something, but not in an entirely healthy manner. So I had this question come up for me this week, that particularly confronts my current modus operandi as a spiritual practitioner. one that I wasn't sure I had a coherent answer to. So I thought I'd try to write about it, just to see if it might become clearer in the process. 

Can one really practice the spiritual life on one's own? 

There are days when I wake up and say to myself  'what the fuck do you think you're doing'. I'm starting to write this journal post in the early morning. I didn't have a very settled nights sleep, so I can sense I'm a bit cantankerous, plus slightly self pitying and morose around its brittle edges. Which is a bit like me saying to myself - beware there are spirits of chaos loitering in this area. At such times I'm probably at my most fragile and reactive emotionally. But, hey, that maybe the territory, but let's proceed, moderating and adjusting the tone as we go along.

Since resigning as an Order member, I have undoubtedly benefited from being in better touch with my own walking of the spiritual path. Let's just say that, before we move on. Let's also briefly acknowledge what brought this about. I'd reached a point when actively working inside a religious institution, where it can become like you are no longer able to separate yourself from it. Impossible to have a good clear sight of yourself without its teachings, habits and forms automatically photo shopping your perceptions. Everything filtered through its own particular lens on the world. Its not that the latter is bad, or even needs to be seen as a problem. Religious institutions are there principally to support and guide you, that's one of their functions. As one's lived experience fades over time, you're brought back to your naivety so you can even start imagining yourself returning. 

I have, so to speak, gone freelance. I've spent the last seven years walking the spiritual path independent of institutions and alone. And I've done my fair share of 'picnicking on the lawns' of other traditions along the way, some Buddhist, some not. I'm currently taking part in a 90 day Commit to Sit with  The New York Zen Center, and finding that beneficial. To be part of a Sangha community, albeit at one technological remove online. All this has been mostly beneficial and often enlightening on what it is I believe, on what it is I think I need, and on my future direction of travel. I'm more attuned and alive to what I believe now, than I was even a few years ago. It feels like this has become a truer and more heartfelt voyage of discovery over the last year. If you were to ask me was I, even subliminally, still on the lookout for somewhere to lay my hat and belong. I would not flatly deny it. But I would say I'm far from ready to embrace that right now. I don't know what change might be needed to significantly shift the dial on that one.

Yet, on another rough cut early morning, my position can feel like I'm reinventing the wheel in order to accommodate all my particular nitpicks, bumps, dislikes and idiosyncrasies. And in my position as this freewheeling Buddhist, where I find it can be a little too easy to gloss over those glaring inconsistencies in my position, by attempting to turn them into a considered virtues. You'll find me attempting to do that to a degree in the very next paragraph. But I'll take such criticism proudly on the chin, as a declaration that I am human, and hence contrary. And yet, and yet, since the HA! last year I do have cause to wonder whether I really should be devoting so much time to my self filtering preciousness. It is always best to just practice whatever you practice, and to do that with the utmost depth of sincerity and faith that you can muster. And perhaps not spend too much time pondering upon the helpfulness or otherwise of the context you are in. Work to the best of your ability with wherever you are.

The one thing I found from reading about Gnosticism that felt remotely useful, was its belief that the spiritual life was all about the individual pursuit of 'gnosis', of seeking out the answers to the spiritual mysteries.  Because basically that is what everyone who takes up a religion does, whether inside or outside of a formal institution. Its what the Buddha did. The journey we are all on, can always benefit from having fellow travelers, though our spiritual paths remain individually unique to us. I try to hold whatever route I'm on in as wide, wise and helpful a perspective as possible, with as much humility as I can garner. Trying to integrate any contradictions I encounter. Which doesn't mean I resolve them, Just not actively trying to eradicate them because they appear to be antithetical to other viewpoints I may hold. It maybe that there is something in them, beyond their inconsistency, that may make them worth sticking around for at some point.

And whilst I'll acjnowledge that I know myself much better these days, I'm also perfectly willing to admit there will be blind spots, things in my experience and views on life that I still don't wish to acknowledge or see. Which is where other people do come in useful. Husbands, close spiritual friends, a religious community, more experienced spiritual teachers, are all helpful in causing you to pause, to think further, to point out your assumptions or the things you are deluded about or perhaps are taking for granted. Or simply be there to offer a bit of fellow support and encouragement. Now, I'll admit, my current spiritual path, has little to none of this. Its sort of inherent to it. I pick up advice or insights through what I read and watch, but that is general, and not personally focused. On the level of spiritual friendship its far from great. I learn from my missteps mainly, if I notice them that is. I do have cause to yearn for the compassionate nudge in the right direction from a person who knows me well. So If I ask myself:-

Can one really practice the spiritual life on one's own?

Well, of course you can do that, we all do that all the time.even when one is part of a community. But like anything its not without its downsides, and the lack of camaraderie, a like minded community and wise counsel are certainly three things it can lack. Another variation on that question might be:-

Can one effectively practice the spiritual life on one's own?

And this is a 'perhaps- yes' answer. Its dependent upon you, your ability to work with yourself, your particular context and perceptions. Its effectiveness? Well, no one can answer that one. Buddhism only ever gives you significant pointers, and the rest is up to you. What makes your practice effective? Would you recognise when it was? Do you know how that came about/? Well, awareness really, just ever expanding awareness, he says truthfully but glibly. Though there really is no one size fits all answer to how that happens. Ideally, we continue to practice with sincerity and faith, with a whatever fluctuating level of devotion we can bring forth. Travelling in the hope that what we do will be sufficient. 

I once took to the spiritual path of marathon meditation sessions, prostrating till my knees were bruised. I know there is an appeal, particularly to men, in this sort of spiritual machismo of pitting yourself insensibly against your practice. I'm certainly of the opinion these days, that in most people's circumstances, quality of practice will be more important than quantity.That stability of faith is a much better foundation for making practice effective, than any amount of ardent willpower. We can turn practice, if we are not careful, into some truly perverse form of self flagellation. In the mistaken view that this will make it more spiritually effective. Sometimes you just have to go with that in order to discover what a dead end looks like. Can you do all of that and still remain a kinder, more loving and wiser person?

My last years within a Buddhist institution fell very short of what I expected of myself as an Order member, the effectiveness of my practice seemed set along a trajectory of terminal decline. Though I'll freely admit that had not always been the case. I'm fully aware that my current spiritual path through being traveled alone, means it cannot for the time being exist,within a community of the like minded. That doesn't mean it cannot be effective to some degree, even though this can feel isolating early in rough cut of the morning, before the sun has not yet fully cracked open the new day.