It has not passed completely without notice, that in the gap between the end of Covid and my return to reviewing Carrot Cakes, something woefully untoward has happened to the Carrot Cake. Where are they? Is it me, or are there fewer and fewer actual Carrot Cakes in cafes to be reviewed?
Of the three reviews that I've written lately only one of them was for an actual cake. That is a cylindrical cake, with two layers, frosting in the middle and on top, this is the most basic of basic minimum requirements. All the rest are ruddy tray-bakes. Now it could be I've been leading a sheltered life, and not ventured far enough afield. This is certainly not definitive, such a small sample could indeed be misleading. But my intuition tells me different, so I have now put myself on vigilant alert. As we maybe witnessing the slow extinction of the true Carrot Cake. If this is the case, what may lie behind this?
Let us examine some prejudicial suspects.
1 - THE PERNICIOUS INFLUENCE OF HIPSTERY
Apart from an unhealthy preponderance of extravagant beards, both suiting and unsuitable. Plus the regular appearance of a non specific tartan shirt, drain pipe trousers, with optional denim bomber jacket. We also have the world of hipstery to thank for the broadening of coffee types to include the Flat White and Cortado, to name but two. But also the ubiquitous presence of tray bakes and flapjacks, any confectionery that is vaguely rectangular and flat.
So if I were to lay the blame for the demise of the full fat Carrot Cake fairly and squarely anywhere, I would say, just look at the dominance of hipster 'woke' ideology. Tray bakes are part of the basic uniform. And whilst I'm piling on the blame frame, let us not forget my Old Betty No Are, the secret infiltration of gluten and dairy free.tray bakes as standard fare. As if they were indistinguishable from the real thing. I am here to firmly tell you they are not, and what's more they never will be. Do not treat them as if they are the same, just tell me they are gluten or dairy free, and then I can strenuously avoid them. Rather than fulminate exasperatedly, increasing the froth in my Oat Latte tenfold, when I discover the perfidious deception has been perpetrated upon my taste buds, yet again. No more fakery I tell you!
2 - THE COST OF BLOODY CUTTING CORNERS
I know we blame Covid for everything these day. In this case the effect has been longer term upon the hospitality business, with staffing levels dropped, costs and quality cut left right and centre. The humble Carrot Cake, and proper cakes in general, have been a casualty. Tray bakes have better portion control, and hence are cost effective. Otherwise, you are left to the whim of the waiter's or waitresses generosity or lack of experience with basic geometry in relation to cutting cylindrical confectionery. How many times have you been served either the thinnest stingiest of cake wedges that can hardly stand up on its own. Or alternatively, been over-faced by being served a whole quarter of a cake that weighs more than your bowels can handle without the help of a lubricating suppository? I can well understand why tray bakes seem like an ideal substitute, I really do. Whatever you do don't let them decorate your carrot cake with an unfortunate swirl of squirty cream and a testicular gathering of kumquats. Be warned.
3 - THE LONG DEMISE OF CARROT CAKE SKILLS
Its much easier to make a carrot tray bake, there is a lot less likelihood of it going wrong for one. It has been a frequent moan of mine, that what gets served up in cafes are frequently not Carrot Cakes at all. They are spice cakes - blandly indistinguishable beige confections with a marzipan carrot on top - they taste strongly of banana and little else - but more often than not they just don't have enough bloody carrot in them. This is not effin rocket science guys!
But larger quantities of carrot mean you really have to watch your recipe carefully. What you're mixing in it, not to overburden it with secondary ingredients, take care over how you are making and baking it. so it comes out dense and weighty, but not doughy and under cooked. In short to make a true carrot cake requires refinement, sensitivity and skills honed over many years of confidence sapping, often public, humiliation. Don't worry this humbling is above all character building.
Tray bakes, by comparison, are easy peasy and what's more you just takeaway and go. I can well empathise with the discerning customer who regularly experiences huge disappointment every time they land upon purchasing a carrot cake. Its a risky choice. This is my world boys and girls. It brings on an air of existential despair every time I have to tolerate these slandering imperfections on a daily basis. I'll have you know, its vey wearing upon my hard fought for equilibrium. If everyone demanded a proper carrot cake, standards would soon be raised. Sometimes I've felt like a lone voice crying out in the wilderness, and have cut a rather ridicule inducing jib at times. Yeah, eat your tray bakes bitches, go on take the easy way out.
4 - THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD
I despair these days, I really do. I've been thinking a lot lately about whether all this reviewing of Carrot Cakes is really worth the literary effort. The world is going to hell in a handcart, and the long demise of the Carrot Cake has to my mind come to be indicative of the loss of truth, meaning and purpose more generally in Western democracy.
If even Carrot Cakes can be faked, then what hope is there left for us all?.
No comments:
Post a Comment