WATCHED - Eurovision 2023

The BBC's presentation skills on this show, in this year, are so finely attuned. Ensuring that it is both located in the UK but reflects the Ukraine through it, and the country of each entrant. Not an easy thing to do at all. The three presenters Alisha Dixon, Laura Pausini and Hannah Waddingham are extremely competent and fluent, they don't fall into the usual stilted Euro tropes, badly timed jokes etc. So everything runs smoothly, but with maximum theatricality. No cringing. Oh except for when Alisha Dixon did a rap. That was truly awful. No person with a bow on her dress that size should ever rap, its just inappropriate.

A bit of a fashion this year for either lying on the floor singing to the lighting rig, or directing your vocals bent over as though vomiting, screaming and bellowing to the stage floor, or doing thrusting dance breaks squirming erotically all over the floor like a floundering koi carp. Beyonce really should get this sort of thing copyrighted The staging though unfailingly dramatic, does not distract from the songs which are quite noticeably weaker this year. Some of them are mere whisps, so softly sketched you can hardly discern a tune Denmark. Others have a quite contrived outrageously bonkers style to them that it quite diverts your attention away from the feeble nature of the song.  Serbia and Croatia being the best/worst example. Some songs are simply lazily written and performed so feebly you come away feeling angry and despairing - step forward Greece. Some appear to think they are writing a mini operetta with many abrupt changes in tempo - Armenia. 

Every year you look out for the out and out banger or something so bonkers you just instantly love them. But this years entrants are relatively tame. Songs, real songs, are in very short supply. But anyway here, nonetheless, are my favourites in no particular order.

FINLAND - Cha Cha Cha

There is at the beginning of this song a huge sense of something menacing being unleashed. It has the simplest catchy verse of the contest - Cha Cha Cha Cha Cha Cha. He gives it all great gusto. The song is, however, inherently weakened by its structure. It builds up very nicely, then two thirds of the way through it changes tone entirely. When normally you would step it up a gear to something louder, crazier or even more magnificent, it turns the dial right down to Eurovision Gooning Normal. Unsurprisingly struggling to regain the momentum thereafter. 

SWEDEN - Tattoo

You have to hand it to Loreen she has probably the best vocal chops on show in the entire competition. Given a song like Tattoo she extracts every ounce of drama possible out of it. Accentuated by the compressed nature of the staging. She is, however, blessed with a well written song, unlike some we could, and have already, mentioned. Currently the bookies favourite, there is a bit of traction developing behind making this her second Eurovision win. Having won with Euphoria in 2012. Also there is a distinct shortage this year in the histrionic power ballad arena.

ISRAEL - Unicorn

Very slickly performed, this sort of corners the Dua Lipa end of the market. The chorus reminds me of The Spice Girls for some reason. She also does a dance break where she writhes with great pelvic floor gusto all over the stage. I mean really, does she have to? This is all Spain's Chanel's fault who did a much better, and hence, storming dance floor routine in the 2022 final.

AUSTRIA - Who The Hell Is Edgar?

A song about being inhabited by the ghostly spirit of Edgar Allen Poe. Catchy repetition of Poe Poe Poe. Its really about the paltry payment rates for music streaming. In a crowded market this competes well for the most off beat witty song of the competition. Not quite the clincher though. It loses its mojo, and doesn't quite know how to conclude its premise by the end.

BELGIUM - Because of You

In the straightforwardly camp department this fits the bill. We have Gustaph dressed in white jacket and voluminous pink shorts with an out sized white hat. A conventional dance tune, his voice is a bit like Mick Hucknall crossbred with Sam Smith, he has great backing singers and a pet trans dancer called Pussy. 

Runners up who - Failed To Qualify

MALTA - Dance ( Our Own Party ) 
Otherwise known by the sillier alternative title - I Feel Better In My Sweater. Probably suffered from utilising an old Euro trope, one already used by Moldova twice over in previous competitions - the catchy saxophone break. Inexplicably changing to glittery sweaters half way through brought them no extra devotees.

GEORGIA - Echo 
Dramatic staging and probably one of the most adventurous musical arrangement of the competition. Unfortunately won not enough fans. At least she wasn't trying to channel Beyonce.