Boys, being boys, they loved sports and just generally throwing balls and smaller sensitive boys around. I had a recollection the other day of one incident my memory had suppressed. A gang of lads, sought me out in the girls playground, dragged me over to the playground wall and pinned me to it, whilst older boys kicked, or hit and threw balls in my general direction. Whilst I, did what I could to avoid being hit in the face by them. They'd no doubt read of the martyrdom of St Stephen in the Bible and decided a little re-enactment was called for.
When, as a family, we moved from Yorkshire to North Lincolnshire, I was eleven. I'd hoped my nickname and the bullying might be left behind and could start with a clean slate. Unfortunately a kid from my old Primary School was also there, so that didn't happen. The worst of the bullying here was being thrown over a wall. When not being pestered, shoved or name called. I was being called a 'puff' years before I realised for myself what that meant, and that they were right on the money. So let's just say I developed a quite finely attuned sensitivity to potentially threatening situations.
I've been thinking recently about what consequences this has had upon my psyche, my way of relating to the world, to other men? The first word I would say is wary. Wary, particularly heightened when I'm in all male company. If it all feels a bit too 'blokey". Which makes me want to define what I mean by that. On the surface at least- confident, over assertive masculinity, a rather loud, if not hysterical level of jokey bonhomie, drunk or at least self intoxicated, with an intimidating level of physicality, teetering on being wildly out of control, positively reeking of testosterone and easily provoked to anger. That just about covers the ball park.
And where have I encountered such places? Well, at a rugby club dinner and presentation evening we were invited to a few years ago. We both felt so uncomfortably fish out of water, neither of us could leave soon enough. And a lot of the time you just anticipate, read the signs and avoid. A men's group I went to for a while had brief moments that verged on being like that. Whrn things can get a bit overly heterosexual. Such as with all those 'manly' practical virtues like in a Men's Shed I once visited. In short, not on the surface homosexual friendly situations. You encounter some men, and can feel the narrow specification within which the sense of their masculinity resides, and that you live outside of it.
I was a happy, yet not overly confident child. I am tempted to say by nature, but I think personal confidence is a lot to do with the circumstances and environment in which you are nurtured, as any inherited pre-disposition. Into which being bullied from a young age probably does not help. Humankind is bequeathed via their animal nature a fight or flight response. In modern life, if you are not gifted with physical strength or animal cunning, this means legging it, or becoming a punch bag. These seemed the only available options to my younger self.
Unsurprisingly being bullied lowers your self esteem, and creates a deeply rooted risk averse state of mind. I'd prevaricate over even apparently minor decisions, and bigger ones could floor me completely. Mistakes became harder to forgive myself for, as these only confirmed the low self worth as true and deserving. Avoiding difficult situations became almost instinctive.
I attempted to cultivate a self sufficiency in order not to have to depend on anyone. My early adult life could be characterised as an discomforting state of aloneness. I could be actively participating in the middle of a group, but still feel outside of it. The mental world I existed in had metaphorical barbed wire placed around it, that cut me off. Like many gay men I cultivated a sharp and satirical banter.
In my first few years at art college I was struggling a lot with ideas of introvert and extrovert. Why was the latter thought better? Why wasn't I more like that? I read psychology magazines and tried to understand myself by reading RD Laing and Nietsche. (Not always to be recommended.) Forming my own lifestyle, interests and like minded friends gradually built a degree of confidence. But in extremis this could still sink.
I was in my mid thirties before I really started to get a firmer handle on who I was, and managing my psychological hangups better. This was entirely due to becoming a Buddhist. Finding a situation I could comfortably belong to, including all male retreats, was a major step forward and I thrived in it. This was the first place I'd felt really accepted for who I was, where my sexual orientation was no big deal. It was also a place where I could unpack myself, examine the contents, and make beneficial changes. As a consequence Buddhist institutions were a context I stayed in for over twenty five years.
It might seem strange then that I left being involved in this Buddhist movement six years ago. That sense of belonging was the hardest thing to walk away from. But I felt the need to. I had been uncomfortable living within this situation for a while. Staying put suited me, until something within me just wanted to be free of it all. My heart was not fully in it anymore. Belonging no longer fit the mood music.
Since then I've tried to find a substitute to fill the void, and then abandoned trying to find a substitute. Outside of Buddhism, and in the conservative trad realm of North Norfolk, there are not many options I'd want to take up. I don't play golf, football or any competitive sport, don't go to pubs, or to church, I'm not a Freemason, or a farmer, or a member of the Conservative club. My interests are largely undemonstrative introverted ones. How you encounter like-minded folk in this context is an open question, I have not found an answer too yet. Friendships are just harder to come by around here.
The poet David Whyte observed that our modern Western malaise essentially comes down to the conflicting pulls of being an individual and of belonging. We want to be able to do both, and it is difficult, if not impossible, to do both. Any group or institution requires a degree of individual compromise, to abide by the rules of the club or organisation in order to belong to it. And so, in my case, I tend to drop in and out of them. I want to belong and then I don't.
I'm sensing that this oscillation is founded, in part, on being bullied as a child. I did and didn't want to be one of the boys, but found I couldn't be anyway. At the moment I'm a length of yearning away from belonging, with increased acuity. Any capacity for friendship is frustrated. Desire exaggerating a sense of dislocation.
This reflection happening now may be an outcome of the HA ! At least heightening the existential aspect of it. For when we die, ones experience of it will be entirely on alone. As all the ties and sense of belonging are one by one severed. Belonging, and being an individual, being ultimately as transitory a state as anything else we treasure.
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