MY OWN WALKING - May Journal 2023

I recently visited our local Men's Shed in Sheringham, thinking it might be a useful place, for doing something outside of shop related stuff. There is nothing wrong with what they are trying to do, in fact it is quite admirable, but it just wasn't for me. It also threw up a lot of uncomfortable associations I have with being in quite 'blokey' environments. I feel unwelcome, like I'm on the outside of such situations. I think this is a learnt wariness, ' a being gay thing' of not feeling fully accepted here, and hence uncomfortable, in such overtly hetrosexual male contexts. It was a drop in morning workshop session. An extremely well equipped set up where you can take a personal project and make it. In a context of other men doing similar things, and sharing skills. Anyway, in the end this just began to feel like more of the same sort of work I'm doing every day.

This has thrown up questions of what exactly I am looking for with this extracurricular activity?  There is also another issue, with the type of things I tend to be interested in, it may not be easy to find kindred spirits here in such a conventional small town like Sheringham. I may have to face up to that, though I'm not giving up yet. I've experienced a bit of a set back, and I'll have to give this a bit more thought. The Exchange men's group I've started going to I fit into very easily. Though I can feel a bit of a fraud, because any 'issues' that I encounter with myself, can seem minor in comparison to other guys there, many of whom are getting over major addictions and loss. In many ways I am a more resourceful and together person than perhaps I realised. But that could be what I contribute to the group. And 'my issues' well I still need a context like this to talk them through in.

It is interesting to reflect on contexts where I have or have not felt comfortable being openly gay, or been able to just be me unconstrained by labels. Certainly a Buddhist Sangha was one. I didn't need to define myself in any way there. Which explains why I clung on to the idea of Sangha, even after I left Triratna, making a subsequent search for a new Sangha to join. Which, though understandable, was some what futile. I guess we all need some place we feel we belong to. For some its in there national identity, for others their church, even in more secular contexts like politics, sports clubs, choirs or pubs and clubs. We seek out contexts to commune in, mostly based on a shared interest or enthusiasm. Its a context within which to relate ourselves to others, and vice versa.

In a socially conservative area like North Ñorfolk it can be hard to judge quite how open one can be about who you are. I find I am not always comfortable to refer in the shop to 'my husband', sometimes using 'my partner' because it feels safer to hide behind its ambiguity. The need to self censor in this way makes it harder for me to relax into being fully me. I think we'd both be quite surprised how well we are known in the village - 'the boys' And for them that level of knowing is fine. But whether or not I am going to be courageous and open in a context, depends upon how well I read the room, so to speak.

But there are other ways in which we all self censor our openness. When one encounters someone mouthing off their political or moral opinions for instance. Do you open your mouth to challenge or correct them? Or do you chose to divert or ignore the conversation, or move entirely away from the offending individual? We partly do such things out of cowardice, from fear of provoking anger, antagonism or violence, or simply wishing to keep the peace, not to publicly rock the boat. Never to mention your difficulty parking in town ever again in their presence. Even within our own families there can be no go areas. Freedom of speech, paradoxically can also mean the freedom not to speak, to withhold your opinion. To judge when or when not to speak. When you feel you are being bullied or deliberately provoked into making a response. Or its not the right time to tell so and so your opinion about them, their decision, or their behaviour. There is a need to be appropriate and timely.